Day 475: Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Not sure why anyone would click on a post with a title like that! Ha! I don’t know if you can really tell from my posts, but usually I’m a pretty positive person. I like being happy. I like being supportive. I like being content.

But on Saturday… I was a WRECK.

And I mean… a WRECK. Like, to the point where I was looking up things on my phone like “How can you tell the difference between dissatisfaction and depression” kind of a wreck. I texted my friend Christie and told her, “I feel… buried… by my life.” I posted on my bible study for moms’ facebook page: “Some days… I miss myself.”

It was a bad, bad day.

Like, a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Hmmmmm, I bet that would make a great children’s book title.

Nah.

Anyway, I fought the sadness all morning. I looked at scriptures. I tried to be productive and “change” things (like doing the dishes and laundry and making my environment more peaceful). I took a shower. I tried spending a lot of time outside. I tried napping (yeah, the toddler twarted that plan about five minutes after I’d lain down).

I mean… nothing was making me feel better. And it was the third time this week that it happened, so I’ll admit that I was genuinely concerned for myself.

{It didn’t occur to me until this morning that it could be because I have had meat several times this week. I sorta wonder if that was jacking with my hormones because of all the… hormones they put in that stuff. But that is a post for another day.}

And eventually I just folded.

I hate ate some cookie dough. (And in case you were wondering, I accidentally wrote the word “hate” first! Freudian slip, I guess.)

And some mini m&ms.

I know that right now I’m supposed to tell you that it didn’t help. that I didn’t feel better. that I felt worse.

But, honestly, I did feel better. I’m not sure if it has any tie whatsoever to me eating chocolate… in fact, I doubt that it has any tie to that; however, I didn’t feel so despairing. I mean, I felt a little bad that I had gone against the covenant that I made with God, but I wasn’t heinously depressed. I got the boys to bed and crashed (well, until my toddler woke me up the next morning at 4:15am which led to me being awake enough to write Day 474: I’m On A Diet.)

And of course I woke up yesterday morning bright eyed and cheery! Made myself a smoothie. Made oatmeal for my boys. Played outside on the trampoline and with figurines all morning. It was great. Had soup for lunch. Some granola in the afternoon with my kids after we’d played outside again for quite a while on the trampoline and we made our own little waterpark with our fort slide and the little pool (here’s our youtube vid if you want to see it)! I made a vegan dinner and resisted putting feta all over it. We even picked up the house at the end of the day and my kitchen was all pretty and clean… clean enough for me to even post a pic of it on my instagram!

{My yummy smoothie… well, after my son ate half of it!}

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Now, I find myself needing to deal with the situation though.

But at the same time… I’m like, what? what “situation”? You sinned. You’ve admitted that you sinned. You’ve already fixed the problem and followed the covenant again today. You’ve asked for forgiveness.

Well, no. Not really. I haven’t.

And again let me say that the sin that I’m guilty of committing is not that of eating sugar (I don’t think that eating sugar is a sin, just for the record). My sin was my pride. my deliberately ignoring the will and call of God. making myself more important than Him. smarter than Him.

Yep. Now I’m feeling that conscience. that Holy Spirit working around in me.

Ya know, though, that’s okay. That’s what I’m supposed to feel. I’m supposed to “Let the Holy Spirit guide my life. Then I won’t do what the sinful nature craves.” (Galatians 5:16)

I’ll admit that there were multiple times yesterday where I prayed “Holy Spirit… guide me. Guide me right to a good decision!” And it worked! A friend of mine posted a note that she found that her mother had written on years ago (her mom has since gone on to Jesus’s land) and it said: “The Word is spirit and life.” and wow… just seeing that yesterday, well, it made me burst into tears… it was just the words I needed to hear. The Word is one way I get a chance to hear the heart of God. And throughout this past year and a half, that is what has reigned me in. revitalized me. guided me.

The Word.

Holy Spirit, God, Jesus… guide me back to the Word in my life. Make me crave the Word. Cause if I crave The Word then I won’t do what the sinful nature craves because I’ll be craving the things of God.

And those things are pretty dern spiritually yummy!

{My vegan dinner without feta… }

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Day 109: A Day At A Time

One of the things that has been the best for me as I go down this journey is this blog. Sure, I fall behind three or four days when life gets crazy (like, this week, when ev.ery.one. in my family, including me, got sick) but being able to come back and refocus my attentions to God has been… well, a God-send!

Even though I read the bible every day sometimes it’s not necessarily a direct connection to my covenant. Sometimes I need to remind myself of how the Word applies to my covenant specifically. And that is how this blog has helped.

But as I talk to more and more of you that are signing up with God to do a covenant of some type, I have realized how a lot of people… for a slew of different reasons… don’t really have thirty minutes to journal or blog or meditate or whatever every day.

So, I have an idea that I got from my friend Alice who is doing a 40-day covenant. It was sort of an accident. We text back and forth scriptures or express how we are doing or a need for prayer. Well, she texted me recently this text (and yes, I even changed her name before doing this screen shot! Haha- does that make me a huge nerd?!?!?!)…

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And her little statement of “Day 5 and Jesus’ love is still enough” sort of made me think. Wow. Just taking thirty seconds every day to write down either how Jesus has worked in your life or a scripture that helped you or a prayer. It could be such a neat way to see what God is doing for you. Or a way to find that verse again really quickly that ministered to you when you wanted to break.

You could get a little week at a glance calendar (my grandmother used to do this) and write in it every day at lunch or at bed or something. Or I’m suuuuuuure there is an app out there for this. Or start a private twitter account that isn’t public.

But I would say that being able to write down every day at least one sentence about the renewal that God has given you… well, it could be the thing you need to keep you going.

It makes me think of this scripture:
These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Deuteronomy 6:6-8

I mean I’m not saying write your sentence in sharpie on your forehead every morning- haha- but it’s the same concept. We need a daily reminder of God. a daily reminder of how far He has brought us. a daily reminder of His Goodness. His healing. His power.

So, there ya go. A suggestion to you and me: take it one day at a time.

And as for me too, Alice, day 109 and Jesus’ live is still enough!

Day 104: The Blue Bell Is Ringing

I started to write this morning on a different topic and got sidetracked (dern kids! Haha) but now I am glad that I wasn’t able to finish because I have a post more about the now.

Today has been… rough. Not like the “oh my kid dropped the entire tub of powdered gatorade out on the kitchen floor” kind of tough (although he did do that) but the kind of tough day that deals with being hurt emotionally, dreams deferred, hopes squelched.

Honestly, there is no need to be specific about what is going in (nor can I… although I will be clear that it is not marital nor is it something pertaining to my kids) because all of us have had THAT day. Some of us have had a day like that many times. Some of us a few times. Some people experience a day like that every. single. day.

Now you might be a little nervous that this is going to be a post where I vent my frustrations or something because the connection to food addiction and overeating probably looks pretty… non existent. But, alas, the connection is very, very strong.

Today has been tough. So today should have been a “drown my sorrows in a tub of Blue Bell day”. I should have comforted myself with the bag of chocolate frosted donuts that I treat my boys to once a month. A family visit to Sonic should be in order complete with chocolate shakes and all of a bacon cheeseburger.

But instead… today was a day of renewal for me. A day where I was reminded of God’s unending love and care for me. Because instead of wallowing in decadent foods… I turned to the Word this morning.

I craved it.

I feasted on it.

I gorged myself on it.

I hungered and thirsted for righteousness.

And I have been filled.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Matthew 5:6

Day Eighty-Seven: God > Ghirardelli

Okay, well, I can definitely say at this point that I have lost weight. And I guess I might as well admit it: I weighed myself the other day. I mean, I knew that I had lost two pants sizes and my curiosity got the best of me. And well… I have lost 25 pounds!

I know, right?

The last time I lost 25 pounds was in college… in 1998.

170 had always been my “If I weight 170 then I will do whatever it takes to lose weight”. Little did I know a day would come when I would rejoice at getting down to weighing 170. But I got to 170 my freshman year of college, came home that summer and did the Atkins diet. I also worked as an intern for my church youth group which… well, leaves relatively no time to even think about eating. Those two things together (oh, and my first serious boyfriend broke up with me the first day of summer, so I was determined to get “hot” and get him back) worked to get me down to 150. Add to that going back to college to an ex-boyfriend that still didn’t want me, and I got down to 140.

Then I kept most of it off until I met my husband in 2002 and it slowly crept up to about 190 our first year of marriage. And I never was able to shed that. Occasionally, I’d drop down into the 180s… one time getting all the way down to 180 only to promptly gain it all back within a few months (plus an extra 10 for good measure). So, this January I found myself hovering around 180-190.

And ya know what is said… I can track my entire life through my weight… and it’s like I have said before that weight is a scary thing because I can so easily allow it to define me. And I subsequently give each of those weights a level of “happiness”:

  • 140 = ecstatically happy
  • 155 = meh, life’s okay
  • 170 = something’s wrong with me
  • 190 = I’m a loser
  • 205 = I’m worthless

Truth be told, I was no happier or unhappy at 140 than I was at 205. I was the same person inside… and I was just as obsessed with food at 205 as I was at 140… if not more so at 140. Because having to avoid food in regular circumstances causes just as much obsession as it does when you can eat whatever you want.

But now, I am not the same person. Not the same person that I was at 140… not the same person that I was at 205. I’m not the same person not because of my physical body change but because of the change inside of me. Because I have rediscovered (or perhaps really truly discovered for the first time) an obsession entirely separate from food. And He is far more fulfilling than any piece of chocolate.

Even Ghirardelli.

Your word is so pleasing to my taste buds— it’s sweeter than honey in my mouth! Psalm 119:103

Day Forty-Eight: Whispering Way

Last night I made some yummy spaghetti sauce. All kinds of spices, fire roasted tomatoes, chopped up carrots and green beans. It simmered on the stovetop for a good thirty minutes letting all the flavors combine.

And then it was time to serve it up and as I prepared my husband’s plate with noodles, it hit me that I am not to have those on my hard core Daniel Fast.

I seriously sat there and debated: if I don’t put noodles in and just eat the sauce (which was yummy and chunky enough to be fulfilling on its own) then I might get commentary from my husband about it. Not eating enough, not getting sufficient nutrients, etc. (Gotta love him, he is always watching out for me!). But if I do put noodles in then I will be purposefully breaking the covenant.

I know that this is probably not shocking at this point, but I was pretty much ready to put those noodles in my bowl.

Then a quiet voice whispered in my ear: “Are you ashamed? Are you willing to so easily trade your agreement with me so that you won’t have to discuss all this with your husband?”

Well that was all it took. I slopped a bunch of spaghetti sauce in my noodle-less bowl and never looked back. Haha- and my husband didn’t even notice (or at least he didn’t say anything)!

But I think the whispering in my ear was reminiscent of these verses:

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, you will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” Isaiah 30:21

For I fully expect and hope that I will never be ashamed, but that I will continue to be bold for Christ, as I have been in the past. And I trust that my life will bring honor to Christ, whether I live or die. Philippians 1:20

For I am not ashamed of this Good News about Christ. It is the power of God at work, saving everyone who believes—the Jew first and also the Gentile. Romans 1:16

If anyone is ashamed of me and my message, the Son of Man will be ashamed of that person when he returns in his glory and in the glory of the Father and the holy angels. Luke 9:26

And yet again I am reminded so keenly of how important it is for me to read the Word. Because he uses it to whisper to me “This is the way, walk in it.”