Well… here I am again. Humbled. Contrite. Subdued. But most importantly… I am forgiven.
We had a little birthday party for my mom last night, and oh… I was a champ! I made mozzarella sticks, creamy chive and chicken pasta, orange maple glazed carrots and sweet potatoes, dilly green beans and red potatoes, cheese filled garlic bread sticks, cheesecake, and ice cream. I ate the sweet potatoes, carrots, and the green beans and red potatoes. I was so happy that I had done well! I had chosen what was BEST!
Annnnnnnnnnd then today happened.
I woke up feeling poorly and I’m supposed to leave tomorrow on my first retreat (as in, I have not gone off on my own since 2007)! So, I snuck a Zicam in and then we left to take my husband to work. Well, the Zicam bottle very clearly says “Don’t take on a empty stomach”, but did I read it before I took it? Noooooo, of course not. So I started to feel icky. When we got home, I was still wanting to choose what was best so I grabbed an orange. And, well, the Zicam bottle also very clearly states to not eat citrus for thirty minutes after. So at that point I was feeling really gross. I saw the mozzarella sticks in the fridge and figured they would help a bit since they were mainly cheese.
Well, I wish that was my entire thought process, but really I had been looking for an excuse to eat one all day. So, I had one. End of story!
Nope again! I had seven more. Then I ate all of the bread sticks that were in the same bag. Knowing it was gluttony. Knowing it was wrong for me. Knowing.
And then later that night: three tortillas. I had reverted. Well, if I “broke” the covenant in my heart already then what’s the point of sticking with it? Granted I never thought about going back to chocolate, but it was the. exact. same. sickness of the heart! Bread, chocolate, chips, ice cream… it didn’t matter what it was… I disobeyed the voice in my heart. I disobeyed God.
But again, I am happy that I don’t have to spiral down into a pit of sin, despair, and overeating. I can make a choice after a day like that–
- Be like David – having sinned – and ask God to cleanse me (Psalm 51)
- Be like the Israelites and abandon myself to this idol of food… and forgo the blessings of God and embrace a life of consequence.
I may not have responded perfectly to the temptation but at least I can embrace forgiveness and move on to a new day. Am I defined as a glutton because of this one day of bread gorging? No. I am a Daughter of the King. I am a woman fallen AND forgiven. And I pray that again, God would “restore to me the joy of His salvation and make me willing to obey Him.” Psalm 51:12