Day 372: Cathartic Cookie Dough

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Ya know when you hit rock bottom?

Like, take Lindsey Lohan’s rock bottom for example… well, sweet dear… she has had many, many rock bottoms. But, I can’t raz on her too much… I’ve had many, many rock bottoms myself. Fortunately there is not a media chain that is terribly interested in recounting every single mistake that I’ve ever made. And while we’re at it… let’s say a prayer for her. I mean, anyone that is pursuing their own personal destruction so readily must be so sad and empty inside. And she can’t escape the eyes scrutinizing her. I truly feel for her.

But anyway, the experience of hitting rock bottom is… beautiful and terrible… both at the same time.

And I mean the true rock bottom. Like, all of my other “rock bottoms” (e.g. eating an entire bag of chocolate chip cookies from Albertsons, eating an entire bag of Sam’s Choice peanut butter cups, eating an entire bag of Cool Ranch Doritos)… those were just “rock middles”. I just thought they were rock bottom.

But my rock bottom was when I truly felt completely lost. completely hopeless. completely worthless.

Ya know though… I’d felt all of those things before: lost. hopeless. worthless.

But, you see, look at the meaning and the origin for the idiom “rock bottom” from dictionary.com:

rock bottom: The lowest possible level, absolute bottom, as in Wheat prices have reached rock bottom. This idiom alludes to the presence of bedrock that prevents digging farther down.

And that is precisely what rock bottom was for me… The Presence of The Rock that prevented me from going down any further. So this time it was different because I finally moved in the direction of going up. That’s why I think it was TRULY my rock bottom. I simply could not get any lower (well, maybe I could have… but so glad I didn’t) and so the only direction to go was… up!

And, if you don’t know this story about me crying into the huge vat of cookie dough that I made, while looking up the website for Overeaters Anonymous, while continuing to eat cookie dough… I wrote it out on the page Rock Bottom, and then I referenced it on Day 21: Cookie Dough Syndrome and Day 68: Cookie Dough Success.

BUT.

God is faithful. God found me. God gave me hope. And God infused me with His Worth.

And I saw all of that come full circle last week. I made the exact same recipe of cookie dough. I wrapped and froze the same recipe of cookie dough. And on Thursday, I delivered the same recipe of cookie dough.

And I never. took. a. bite.

So it was a time to thank Him, to glorify Him, to give Him all the credit.

But I have to give my sweet boy’s sweet teachers at his preschool some credit too… they were so awesome that it made me want to make them cookie dough in the first place, and then again in the second place!

And I just couldn’t decide which pic I liked better of the three of us soooo I decided to put this one in too!
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Day Ninety: Painful Penitence

Sometimes I lament the fact that I have struggled for so much of my life only to discover that the answer all along was so very, very simple. But this week I came across this verse that sorta changed my perspective on that a bit:

The pain caused you to repent and change your ways. It was the kind of sorrow God wants his people to have… [that] leads us away from sin and results in salvation… Just see what this godly sorrow produced in you! Such earnestness, such concern to clear yourselves, such indignation, such alarm… such zeal, and such a readiness to punish wrong. 2 Corinthians 7:9-11

It makes me almost glad, looking back, that I hit rock bottom. I needed that pain to push me toward repentance. And he still uses the sorrow of my occasional failings (like the cookie dough, the apple crisp) to push me back into repentance.

And really, I think I want my heart to always be in a state of repentance… because then my pride can be kept at bay (well, at least a little bit of it).

The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God. Psalm 51:17

But after I wrote that I started thinking, what IS repentance anyway? I mean it’s a word that I have heard, and said, a bazillion times, and maybe a good ol’ southern Christian woman should know the meaning but, well, I’m just not entirely sure! So, when in doubt, check it out! Haha!

Dictionary.com says it is “to feel such sorrow for sin or fault as to be disposed to change one’s life for the better.

So it’s not about making up for sin, as it is about remembering past sin, and doing what is necessary to keep it from coming back.  Like for me, I have to continually read the Bible, but also sometimes it helps to re-read through some of my journal and blog entries when I was struggling. The key for me is to “think about things of heaven, not the things of the earth.” Colossians 3:2