Day 700: Stop. Collaborate. And Listen.

My husband said the other day,

“In the morning, I always know who I want to be and how I want to act and what I want to do. I know all of that in the morning. It’s maintaining that throughout the day that is the tough part.”

Then tonight, I thought the same thing as I was brushing my teeth. “Here I am at the end of my day, and I can look back and see all of the things I wish I’d done differently and I can look myself in the mirror and say ‘Tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll be who I want to be. I’ll be what I want to be. I’ll act the way I want to act.‘”

But then tomorrow always comes, and despite all of my resolve, all of my willpower, all of my hope, and self-promises, and pep talks… despite all of that, I still find myself just sleep walking right back into the “old” me. The old-me who didn’t follow through on all of that resolve, willpower, hope, promises, pep talks.

Geez.

Way to be depressing, January.

But I’m always up for a little introspective conversation, so I asked myself, “Why? Why do I know who I want to be in the morning before the day starts, then sleep walk through the day making the SAME OL STINKING CHOICES AGAIN AND AGAIN, and then know who I should have been when it’s night again?

It’s like a can’t, or don’t… stop. I need to… I just need to… stop.”

And then, of course, what started to run through my mind?

The Covenant Diet - Stop Collaborate And Listen

Stop, collaborate, and listen.

Yep. That’s right. Vanilla Ice’s famous song began to run through my head.

But really. It’s so. totally. spot. on. to what I need to be doing with my life. with my eating. with my prayer.

I’ve got to stop.

And I mean literally, physically, spiritually…

STOP.

Honestly, I picture myself standing next to my fridge.

In my mind, I can see the candy buckets up on top.

And then I see myself, stopped.

Both hands on the edge of the counter.

Leaning over, looking down.

Stopped.

Praying.

Taking a deep breath.

And remembering again… remembering who I want to be. how I want to be. what I want to do.

Asking God to help make me into that image that I have in my mind.

Asking God to help make me into His image.

While I stop.

And ask God to stop with me.

And collaborate with me.

While I listen to Him.

Day 166: Thor, Table For Two

20120607-182837.jpg

I know. I know.

A picture of pizza and Thor?!!? What am I thinking? But there is method to my madness…

You see, my five-year old is on this cheese pizza kick, and he is sooooooo not an eater. Not a healthy eater. Not a bad eater. He’s just not much of an eater.  I think it comes from the days when I was nursing him and realized, a bit later than I should have, that he was in the 4th percentile (which is an indication that either a kid is starving or has something seriously wrong with them) and in our case… he was starving… my milk was not so much milk as it was… water. Yeah, as if nursing isn’t already the most difficult part of motherhood, add the guilt of starving your first child.

That was a rough time for me… we’ll leave it at that! Haha!

Anyway, so when he likes a food… I pretty much jump on it. Unfortunately the effect of this is that he then almost ODs on whatever food he likes and then never wants it again. But until I choose to learn from that mistake, when the kid asks for a cheese pizza (which is really only like every other week or so… I’m being over dramatic about it simply because he almost never requests food), well… then I give him a cheese pizza.

And this one time in particular, he asked for a cheese pizza on a Friday and I was exhausted from being up really late the night before, so I conceded reallllllllly easily to his request. And then when he came across this pizza at Target and it had a picture of Thor on it… well, whatever defenses were left completely crumbled! (I’m sort of an Avengers nut thanks to my kid… and my favorite is either Thor or Iron Man… wow. irrelevant information yet again!)

Oh wow… ANYWAYYYYY all of this to say, he ate about half of the pizza. And so what was left? Yep… the other half of a cheese pizza. A cheese pizza that’d had Thor’s picture on it.

I was doomed.

Sure, I had already eaten my dinner. No, of course I wasn’t hungry. And I already mentioned that I was tired.

This is a bad combo… pizza + tired = fail.

And I ate his left over piece and two more pieces.

Shame. Guilt. Sorrow. Grief. Resolve. Shame. Guilt. Sorrow. Grief. Resolve.

You know the cycle.

But one thing that I have started to add in to that cycle whenever I eat when I shouldn’t or eat something I shouldn’t or eat in a way that is not honoring God because it’s eating for a reason other than eating to live… then I add in the step of evaluating WHY I ate when I wasn’t hungry. or what I shouldn’t have. or too much.

And a lot of times it is because I am tired.

My revelations on the importance of sleep are going to come up more in another post, but in essence, if at all possible… I need to get enough sleep. Sure, I have a toddler, so this is not always possible. But when I can get enough sleep, I need to shut down facebook, shut down my bible even, shut down the dishes and go. to. bed.

Otherwise, I’m asking for it the next day. And why set myself up for a struggle… doesn’t Satan do that enough as it is? Why should I make it harder on myself!??!

And I love The Message’s version of these verses… encouragement to do what we can, or as my husband has taught our son to say, “Do my best and trust God to do the rest!”…

Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we’d better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls! Hebrews 12:1-3