Day Ninety-Five: Freedom Fire

I was… sorta… burned out this week. Just… not feeling the excitement or passion of the blog, the covenant, the Bible… nothing. Life has been a little crazy… no, not crazy… but, full. Like I said yesterday, I haven’t been reading my Bible this week and that exemption sorta leaves me… empty.

Well, a few nights ago I posted a recent picture of myself on Facebook. No biggie- a few former students made a few comments, and then I didn’t really check it for a while. Well, then tonight right before I bed I checked my Facebook and there were THIRTY comments and forty-something “likes” on my “new me” pic!

Now, I’m not entirely sure how this happened but all of these “Great pic!” and “Love it” and “Wow you look amazing!!!” comments were on there. And even though it should have puffed up my pride, all I could think about was God. About how he gave me the ability to be free… and I felt so bolstered by all of these friends of mine so happy for me to have a beautiful moment. And it was… encouraging!

But most encouraging were the multiple friends of mine that messaged me asking for more details about my covenant, or to meet and talk, or to want the blog website, or to tell me how much they connected to the posts on the blog or my beginning stories, etc. The further I get into my covenant the more that I long and hope for others to experience the same freedom from food (or whatever stronghold or addiction they might be enduring).

So I hope that some people will be encouraged, as I was, to seek Christ for their comfort and sustenance. Because I know that they can experience freedom from their struggle but at the same time that God will probably also light a fire in them of passion for Him.

Day Ninety: Painful Penitence

Sometimes I lament the fact that I have struggled for so much of my life only to discover that the answer all along was so very, very simple. But this week I came across this verse that sorta changed my perspective on that a bit:

The pain caused you to repent and change your ways. It was the kind of sorrow God wants his people to have… [that] leads us away from sin and results in salvation… Just see what this godly sorrow produced in you! Such earnestness, such concern to clear yourselves, such indignation, such alarm… such zeal, and such a readiness to punish wrong. 2 Corinthians 7:9-11

It makes me almost glad, looking back, that I hit rock bottom. I needed that pain to push me toward repentance. And he still uses the sorrow of my occasional failings (like the cookie dough, the apple crisp) to push me back into repentance.

And really, I think I want my heart to always be in a state of repentance… because then my pride can be kept at bay (well, at least a little bit of it).

The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God. Psalm 51:17

But after I wrote that I started thinking, what IS repentance anyway? I mean it’s a word that I have heard, and said, a bazillion times, and maybe a good ol’ southern Christian woman should know the meaning but, well, I’m just not entirely sure! So, when in doubt, check it out! Haha!

Dictionary.com says it is “to feel such sorrow for sin or fault as to be disposed to change one’s life for the better.

So it’s not about making up for sin, as it is about remembering past sin, and doing what is necessary to keep it from coming back.  Like for me, I have to continually read the Bible, but also sometimes it helps to re-read through some of my journal and blog entries when I was struggling. The key for me is to “think about things of heaven, not the things of the earth.” Colossians 3:2

Day Eighty-Nine: Rock Bottom Rememberings

One of the things that has immediately become a “struggle” for me is wanting to take the credit for the weight loss that I have had so far. Even writing that makes me want to laugh at myself because I remember where I was before all this… and lemme tell ya… I was in the land of UNable!

I know that I have mentioned my cookie dough… experience… multiple times but that was really just rock bottom for me. Before that, there had been years of smaller bits of resolve, struggle, eventual failure, and then a tumbling into eating anything and everything… and with every bite reminding myself: YOU CAN’T DO IT. YOU ARE A FAILURE.

But ya know, I was so right. And when I am tempted now to think that my new found control is mine, all I need to do is remember the cookie dough day, the apple crisp struggle, or even any of the many “pre-covenant” uncatalogued lost battles with Oreos, Girl Scout Cookies, tortilla lime chips, the countless bowls of brownie batter followed by the pan of baked brownies, chocolate chip cookies, breadsticks, cheese tortellinis, etc. etc. etc.

And so when the pride of success begins to seep in, all I need to do is remember those days of spiraling out of control. And just this week I stumbled across this oh-so-perfect verse as I read my daily reading plan that addresses this just so perfectly…

We don’t have the right to claim that we have done anything on our own. God gives us what it takes to do all we do. 2 Corinthians 3:5

Day Eighty-Eight: Cat Call

I’m not even entirely sure how to breach such a subject, but again, my blog is an avenue for me to work through issues that arise from a food addict losing a food addiction.

Like I mentioned yesterday, I have lost quite a bit of weight… would my body be featured in a magazine? Ummmmm, no. Would I want it to be? Ummmmm, no. But it does look a bit more like what this world praises as “fit”. According to whatever people invented the BMI, I have moved off of the obese range and am now “just” overweight.

But enough of that talk… what is my point?

Well, I got my first “cat call” in years the other day from some random guys down the street. And I mention it here because… well, because it felt good. It felt good to be found attractive by someone other than a family member that HAS to think that I’m beautiful (or at least has to SAY it whether they think it or not). But these were just random people that I have never seen before and will never see again.

Immediately, I was bursting with… well, I’m not even sure I know what I was bursting with. First there was a bit of surprise along with a look around to see who they were talking about. Upon realizing that it was me, I guess it was just regular ol’ pride I was feeling.

Okay, so a surge of pride, then the moment was gone, right?

Nope. I wish that had been the case but it wasn’t. I allowed my thoughts to linger on that “compliment” for hours. I had craved that kind of feedback for so long before meeting my husband (who compliments me all the time, by the way)… and I guess my mind just sort of falls back on that.

But I also began to hear that voice in my head that I was chasing after something wrong. Something dangerous. Oh how I wanted to ignore that voice and continue to bask in their words a while longer. But I kept hearing “THAT is not The Way… THAT is not why I have freed you.”

I have been freed from chocolate but do not want to simply pick up another habit of overeating chips and bread. Same thing here… I don’t want to lose an obsession with food simply to replace it with an obsession based on how mankind views my body. I’m afraid the latter would be a far more dangerous addiction than chocolate, bread, or chips.

Don’t judge by appearance or height… The LORD doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7