Day 114: Like… Jesus

I weighed again a couple of days ago and I’m sittin pretty at 160. Now, I can tell you that I have not lost more than maybe two pounds in the past two months. I can also tell you that before making this covenant I would have been crushed. devastated. depressed. if I had been limiting my food for two months and not lost any weight. And I can also tell you that even though I have not lost more than two pounds in two months… I. don’t. care!!!

I mean… like, I’m really feeling completely free right now from the burden of having to have lost weight! It’s as if my weight is slowly becoming just what it should be… something temporary. something of this earth. And my mind is more concerned about the things of eternity.

I hate for this to sound like an “Oh thou shalt listen to me for I am holier than thou” kind of post. What it is, really, is a praise post.

Because for me to be able to say the words “I don’t care that I have not lost weight”… well, that just signifies a whole new me… and I can assure you that becoming a whole new me has only been possible with Jesus.

Let me break it down for ya.

For yearssssss I have obsessed about my weight. And even though I obsessed about it, I continued to gain and gain and gain. Because, like I said above, it had become my obsession. And we tend to embrace what we obsess about.

And then it became more than just an obsession. Food became my… everything. And I had to have it all. the. time. Not for nourishment’s sake at all but for… well, for I don’t even know why… for appeasing some, like, monster inside of me.

And I was literally out of control.

And all the while, I was obsessing over my weight. And obsessing over my failure to lose weight.

And now. Still sitting at 160 and I am perfectly cool with it. Cause God is taking over my body. my mind. my soul. my spirit. If he wants me to weigh 160 then that’s what I’ll weigh. If he’s got a plan for me to hit 150… 140. Then coolio. But I’m not gonna stress it. I have bigger stuff to think about. more important stuff to think about. more awesome stuff to think about.

Like… Jesus.

Let us keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from beginning to end. He did not give up because of the cross! On the contrary, because of the joy that was waiting for him, he thought nothing of the disgrace of dying on the cross, and he is now seated at the right side of God’s throne. Hebrews 12:2

Day Eighty-Eight: Cat Call

I’m not even entirely sure how to breach such a subject, but again, my blog is an avenue for me to work through issues that arise from a food addict losing a food addiction.

Like I mentioned yesterday, I have lost quite a bit of weight… would my body be featured in a magazine? Ummmmm, no. Would I want it to be? Ummmmm, no. But it does look a bit more like what this world praises as “fit”. According to whatever people invented the BMI, I have moved off of the obese range and am now “just” overweight.

But enough of that talk… what is my point?

Well, I got my first “cat call” in years the other day from some random guys down the street. And I mention it here because… well, because it felt good. It felt good to be found attractive by someone other than a family member that HAS to think that I’m beautiful (or at least has to SAY it whether they think it or not). But these were just random people that I have never seen before and will never see again.

Immediately, I was bursting with… well, I’m not even sure I know what I was bursting with. First there was a bit of surprise along with a look around to see who they were talking about. Upon realizing that it was me, I guess it was just regular ol’ pride I was feeling.

Okay, so a surge of pride, then the moment was gone, right?

Nope. I wish that had been the case but it wasn’t. I allowed my thoughts to linger on that “compliment” for hours. I had craved that kind of feedback for so long before meeting my husband (who compliments me all the time, by the way)… and I guess my mind just sort of falls back on that.

But I also began to hear that voice in my head that I was chasing after something wrong. Something dangerous. Oh how I wanted to ignore that voice and continue to bask in their words a while longer. But I kept hearing “THAT is not The Way… THAT is not why I have freed you.”

I have been freed from chocolate but do not want to simply pick up another habit of overeating chips and bread. Same thing here… I don’t want to lose an obsession with food simply to replace it with an obsession based on how mankind views my body. I’m afraid the latter would be a far more dangerous addiction than chocolate, bread, or chips.

Don’t judge by appearance or height… The LORD doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

Day Fifty: Edible Inedibles

It’s funny how my life has affected the way that I view food. As I made myself a potato lunch the other day, I found myself saying, “Well, I’m adding in this butter because otherwise the potatoes are inedible.” And then immediately after, “I need to add in this cheese and sour cream to make these potatoes edible.”

And now I think… Really? Were the potatoes really inedible??? And I sort of realized how my preconceived notion of food is… wrong. Those potatoes would have been edible had they been butterless. had they been sour creamless. had they been cheeseless.

But I had my brain set to believe that simply because something doesn’t taste decadent or indulgent then it must not be edible. Haha- it sounds ridiculous now that I’m away from the situation, but I think this is part of another stronghold that has needed to be shattered in my mind.

It’s like I’ve let my tastebuds give some kind of lesser value to “raw food” or “pure food”. My mind/tastebuds expect to get spicy food, salty food, buttery food, seasoned food, savory food, sugary food, etc. When they don’t… then it is literally like the food isn’t “worthy”. But food is about sustenance. Not about pleasure. I mean, it does taste good, but going to it for a pleasurable “experience” is not the point of food. That’s not the reason that food is there.

And although God desires for us to get pleasure out of life, it is not what we are to live for. In Ephesians, Paul is writing about the Gentiles and he’s telling us to not be like them (and, by the way, verse 19 talks about sexual obsession, but I changed it to an obsession with food since that is the “lust” that I am dealing with). And here is Paul’s “challenge” to them… to us… to me:

And so I insist (and God backs me up on this) that there be no going along with the crowd… that empty-headed, mindless crowd. They’ve refused for so long to deal with God that they’ve lost touch not only with God but with reality itself. They can’t think straight anymore. Feeling no pain, they let themselves go in an obsession with food, addicted to every sort of decadence.

But that’s no life for you. You learned Christ! My assumption is that you have paid careful attention to him, been well instructed in the truth precisely as we have it in Jesus. Since, then, we do not have the excuse of ignorance, everything (and I do mean everything) connected with that old way of life has to go. It’s rotten through and through. Get rid of it! And then take on an entirely new way of life (a God-fashioned life) a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your actions as God accurately reproduces his character in you. Ephesians 4:17-24

Honestly… I looked at this verse because in the NLT version it has the word “pleasure” in it and so when I did a word search for that it came up. But then I switched it over to the Message cause sometimes that version tends to really convict me since it sounds so… brutally honest! And it just worked on me and worked on me. I immediately identified with those Gentiles that had lost touch with God AND reality! I mean… I ate an entire bowl of cookie dough… that’s losing touch with reality!

And then, I really grabbed onto the verse that I have underlined because I’m working to get rid of my old way of life… all that addiction has GOT TO GO! It is rotten. I want to get rid of it! I am getting rid of it!

And then, that last part in bold. DANG. That is exactly what I am seeing and hope to continue seeing! That I’m experiencing an entirely NEW way of life… a life that God has designed… and life that is totally new FROM THE INSIDE! And it is working on my actions (my previous overeating habits) so that I am like Him… so that I have Him and His Character inside me!

Whoo hoo! That just gets me all sorts of pumped up!!! So, leaving my potatoes “plain” next time won’t be about edible and inedible. It will be about God giving me a new way of life… a life where he is reforming my character into His character! Talk about some goodness packed potatoes! Haha!