Day 306: Dangeometer

As much as I wouldn’t like to admit this… I really think that maybe I’ve gained a little bit of weight back. Probably about 5 pounds or so… since I don’t weigh, I’m not sure. I say this because my “comfy jeans” are more like “snug jeans” around the middle. A big difference though between the way I looked at weight gain “then” and the way I look at weight gain now is that before, when I gained weight, it was me. my fault. my inadequacy. my failure. my worthlessness. my stupidity. me. me. me.

But now, I use weight gain as… well, as an indicator light. Which I like to call my “Dangeometer” which is a total steal from the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs… and can I just say that I lovvvvvve that movie?!?! We just had to return it to the library after having had it for three weeks, and I’m pretty sure that I miss it more than the kids!

Anyway, my dangeometer is not necessarily an indicator that I’m eating poorly. or that I’m eating too much. or that I’m eating the “wrong” things.

It is honestly a pretty good indicator of where I am with Jesus.

Cause if I’m gaining weight then I know that I’m doing at least one of those eating things above. But the eating is, honestly, not what concerns me anymore. The eating is what shows me that something is off. It indicates to me that I’m not relying upon the One that satisfies. And that sets off an even bigger and more important dangeometer in my mind!

It’s really the first time in my life that I have realized that I had gained weight and not freaked out about my clothes not fitting… and not worried about how I will look in a bathing suit… and not felt like I was a failure at dieting. Cause when I pulled on my comfy jeans and thought “Hmmmmm, these are a bit snug… I wonder if I have gained a bit of weight back lately what with all my snagging a tortilla there and a few chippies there…” the next thing that I asked myself was, “Why am I relying on something else other than Jesus? It’s definitely time for some introspection… and prayer… and searching.”

Soooooooo much better than blaming myself, than talking down to myself, than hating on myself.

So I started off with a simple prayer that I’ll be praying over and over again:

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. Psalm 139:23-24

And then I read more about what to do:

So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor. James 4:7-10

Twice… I see to humble myself before God. Not sure what that exactly looks like… gonna be working through that. Probably though, as I “come close to God” I will be forced into humility… I have a feeling that the closer I get to His Presence, the more that my natural reaction will be to humble myself.

And seriously… ya know, considering that gaining a fewish pounds is gonna bring me a bit closer to God… I’m pretty glad those little fat globs found their way to my belly.

Day 134: Back To School

I’m just gonna say it… I have been realllllly wanting to weigh myself the past few days.

I know… I know… I KNOW! It’s so utterly ridiculous that I should want to! I mean… when I really sit down and write that down it forces me to remember not so long ago when I was so beat down by the scale that my husband and I straight up threw. it. away.

Yesterday I was even trying to convince myself that it would be okay to weigh, like, just once because I never really explicitly said that I was going to add not-weighing to the covenant… you know, that I wouldn’t weigh for the rest of the year. My mind was like, “Oh you know, you just said you wanted to just not weigh all the time. You never really said ‘I’m covenanting with God to not weigh.’”

Sooooo, to make it clear to myself that there is no room for negotiation here…

God. I covenant with You to not weigh myself for the rest of the year. If I go to the doctor, I will request that they not tell me my weight. And while I’m at it God… thank you for keeping me from weighing myself the past couple of days when I was really tempted to do so. And thank you even more for helping me to see what a detriment weighing has been for me through this process and for freeing me from the “measurement” of the world, so that I can focus on your measurement of me.

Alright. There ya have it. Sealed the deal.

And here’s the cool part… I think that I have wanted to weigh because my size 12s have been… just sorta loose lately. Like, my Old Navy jeans that were my “skinny-girl jeans” are now having to be rolled on top (I sorta have this passionate dislike for belts) to keep them on me. So, I thought… “I bet that I have lost a little more weight! Oh I wish that I could know for sure… just one little weigh-in and that would be it!” Again, thank God that He kept me from it… what if I had actually gained according to the scale? The emotional fall out from that would have not been good, I’m sure.

But after deciding that this post was going to be about be explicit with God about adding the no-weigh to my covenant agreement, I thought… ya know, I do have one dress that is a size 10. I guess I could try that on to see.

It is my college graduation dress… and it’s just so classy and kind of timeless (I think… I have noooooooo clue about fashion), and the cut of it was pretty flattering for me.

And it fit!!!!

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I mean… sure it fit better in college when I was a “big 8/little 10″ instead of a “big 10/little 12″ but that’s not the point. It fit. Now why going through that process doesn’t emotionally bother me while weighing myself can send me spiraling into an abyss of depression… I. don’t. know. (Although I do think that the same process of trying on clothes in the store might not be as “emotionally easy”… even when I was skinny that process would sort of get me “down” since I don’t have a toothpick figure even when I am a size 8, but a lot of “trendy” clothes are aimed at toothpicks.)

But I do know that if trying on clothes in my closet to see if they fit ever does make me depressed then I’ll slap that on the covenant as well! I’d much rather be a happy and content person that finds my identity in Christ than a person who knows if she wears a 10 or a 12.

All the same… it sure was nice to fit into that dress. Even if just for nostalgia cause I have no idea when I will ever actually wear that dress! But it sorta… ya know… took me back to that day in school… or well, the end of the school for me. When Hope was capitalized in my soul. When Dreams were still possible. When nothing from the world could weigh me down.

And after I had taken the dress off (which, I got a little worried that I might have to go and pick my son up in the dress because it has that kind of fabric and one of those “hidden” zippers that get trapped in between seams and I was getting afraid that I would not be able to get it off!) and I had quickly put back on my t-shirt and Nike shorts (and I say quickly because the mowers came right to mow right as I was changing and even though they don’t ever peek it made me feel oogie)… I looked at myself in the mirror, and I smiled. Because at that moment…

Hope was capitalized in my soul.
My Dreams suddenly seemed all too possible.
And nothing in the world could weigh me down.