Day Sixty-Nine: Vice Versa

One of the things that I have to watch out for whenever I start to get closer to Jesus: self-righteousness.

Which is totally backwards because he was quite the opposite of self-righteous. He attributed everything to God. But, nonetheless, I start to think of myself as better than others.

And I am brought down a bit today as I remember that it was only like two months ago that I was buried. drowning. suffocating. in my own addiction and vice. An addiction that I wanted to be rid of, but couldn’t shake it off.

I have a friend that drinks quite a bit and smokes occasionally and I am horribly impatient with her addictions. Perhaps because her addictions affect me. Like, my overeating never really affected anyone. Maybe it disappointed my husband or embarrassed my parents, but…

Ya know… I’m gonna stop myself right there. I say that my overeating never affected anyone and then I list three people that I know were affected by it. See?!?!?! This is an example of what I’m talking about. I have this self-righteousness that isn’t even deserved!

I think I am going to enjoy God working on this part of my heart. I would love to be renewed in the way I view my fellow strugglers. And in typical God fashion… as soon as I made this realization about myself, the verses started appearing. This one in particular was part of my reading plan this past week and grabbed my attention:

For what gives you the right to make such a judgment? What do you have that God hasn’t given you? And if everything you have is from God, why boast as though it were not a gift? 1 Corinthians 4:7

And that’s the thing… I have no right to stand here (even if I am all by myself) and look down on anyone, but especially on someone that is struggling. Whether they know the are struggling or not. Whether they want to be struggling or not. Whether they know how to be free or not. My freedom was… a gift. A gift from God.

And so what should my mind do instead? Instead, I want to pray that God gives them that gift as well. I want… desperately want… for my dear friend to be free of that vice, that stronghold, that addiction. And so I pray that God may break the chains and gift my friend with that freedom. For, I know… I have learned… that there is no other way to freedom than through a gift from God.

But my judgment will not get her or any of my other friends closer to freedom. But perhaps my prayers… will get her closer.

Day Fifty-Eight: Haters Gonna Hate

I’ll admit it. I’m a hater.

(A hater is slang for someone that isn’t happy for someone else’s successes.)

I have been hatin on skinny girls for years. Them walking around in their jeggings, high heeled riding boots, snug little top.

And oh how the assumptions have piled up about them:
• they work out everyday, multiple times a day
• they never eat anything except lettuce
• they all have maids so that they have time to work out
• most of them are secretly on speed
• because they are always starving they are mean, miserable, and judgmental (oh the irony of that one)
• they look at me and either feel sorry for me being fat or have decided that I’m disgusting and lazy

Yeah. I know. Those are nasty mean thoughts. And… they aren’t true. They are ridiculous thoughts actually. They are judgmental thoughts. They are revealing thoughts. Because they reveal a lot about me.

Those thoughts are a coping mechanism for me. Cause if the skinny girls are miserable and I’m not- then I must be better than them even if my body is less attractive.

But then as I stop and think about the pain I have felt over the years, the burden of my addiction to food, the crushing disappointment of not being chosen, of not fitting into the same kind of outfit as everyone else, of… of… of… well, of so many things… as I stop and think about the life of a food addict, then maybe the skinny girls do have it figured out. At least more than I give them credit for.

Yes, I know that oftentimes skinny girls have to fight and rail against every calorie, but I have been around my brother (not that he is a skinny girl, haha, but he is an extremely fit guy) to know that there are those that just… don’t care about food. I mean, they enjoy it, but they don’t deal with having an addiction to food, being “attracted” to food, neeeeeeeeeding food. It’s a much better deal.

Anyway, I guess my thing is, yet again with this covenant to rid myself of my addiction to food, I see how much more I need to deal with.

So, skinny girls… sorry for the judgment over the years. And if you are one of those that isn’t under the magnetic pull of food, then, well, I hope to be one of you someday.

And God helping me, I will.