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I’m not joking.
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You see, for months I’ve been just downright struggling with this whole experience. I’ve put on a whole pant size for sure (and yet you can be darned sure that I’m still squeezing my size ten rear into my size eight jeans because I don’t want to go buy a bigger size… because I WON’T go buy a bigger size) and I’m just so weighed down and shackled to food again it’s become nigh unbearable.
I can’t make it through a Sunday School lesson without breaking down in tears.
I’ve cried to my husband multiple times.
I seriously, seriously, seriously was considering calling my church to see if they would work out some kind of deal for me to get counseling up there.
Things in my soul have been a total and complete roller coaster.
I mean, every few days I would find a new “resolve” and would have faith in myself again that I could do this and then day three or four would hit and well, all it takes for me is that one bite of chocolate…and well, it would all go downhill from there.
And so this past week, I’ve just really had to face up to what is going on here…
I can’t do this anymore.
So, I’m going to quit.
Okay, but I’ll end the suspense.
I’m not quitting The Covenant Diet… I can’t quit it. God has brought me so far and I know… I KNOW… that He is faithful. I’ve read too many accounts in the Bible where He brought people through terrible, terrible adversity to reveal His Glory OR to make them face up to the fact that He really IS in control.
And here’s the deal: He has shown me over and Over and OVER and OVER and OVER again what I need to do. Like I said on Day 653: Just Like Jonah, I just keep running from it. But in my heart for months He has been telling me through friends, through the wisdom in his Word, through Sunday School, through prayer… He has been saying that I have GOT to make this sugar thing a total and complete lifestyle change.
As in… never again.
As in… quit.
Quit eating sugar.
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I know, right?!?!?
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Wellllll, yeah, but so was giving up sugar for a year. But it was one of the best years of my life. Total and complete freedom.
So, this post could go on and on today… and I’ll explain more about how I came to this point in the following days’ posts… but here’s the deal.
I’ve been running from God.
Just like Jonah.
And I’m tired.
I’m tired of running.
I’m tired of trying to do this battle with food my way.
And I’m failing at doing it my way.
I’m tired of failing.
So, I’m looking at this raging sea in my soul and I know that it’s raging because of me.
Because of my decision to go my own way.
And I’m done.
I’m just ready to quit.
So, this morning, I took one last sigh.
Stood up and walked to the edge of this boat in this raging sea.
And I dove in.
I dove into the waters of His grace and mercy.
I dove into the waters of self “sacrifice”.
I dove into the waters of freedom.
I dove into the waters that will guide me back to where I need to be.
Will it be easy to give up sugar for.ev.er.???
Heck to tha NO.
It sure as heck wasn’t easy for Jonah to live in a whale’s stomach either.
But it got him back to where he needed to be.
And that was where God wanted him to be.
And as I tread water in this sea that is my soul, I realize that as soon as I jumped in… it was immediately calm. Refreshing even. Going His way instantly brings me more peace than I had during any of the days of trying to do it on my own.
The peace I have felt just in this one day… well, it just makes me so glad that I finally… finally…