Day 657: I Quit.

i quit

Yep.

That’s it.

I’m done.

Out.

No more.

I quit.

… … …

Seriously.

I’m not joking.

… … …

You see, for months I’ve been just downright struggling with this whole experience. I’ve put on a whole pant size for sure (and yet you can be darned sure that I’m still squeezing my size ten rear into my size eight jeans because I don’t want to go buy a bigger size… because I WON’T go buy a bigger size) and I’m just so weighed down and shackled to food again it’s become nigh unbearable.

I can’t make it through a Sunday School lesson without breaking down in tears.

I’ve cried to my husband multiple times.

I seriously, seriously, seriously was considering calling my church to see if they would work out some kind of deal for me to get counseling up there.

Things in my soul have been a total and complete roller coaster.

I mean, every few days I would find a new “resolve” and would have faith in myself again that I could do this and then day three or four would hit and well, all it takes for me is that one bite of chocolate…and well, it would all go downhill from there.

And so this past week, I’ve just really had to face up to what is going on here…

I can’t do this anymore.

So, I’m going to quit.

Okay, but I’ll end the suspense.

I’m not quitting The Covenant Diet… I can’t quit it. God has brought me so far and I know… I KNOW… that He is faithful. I’ve read too many accounts in the Bible where He brought people through terrible, terrible adversity to reveal His Glory OR to make them face up to the fact that He really IS in control.

And here’s the deal: He has shown me over and Over and OVER and OVER and OVER again what I need to do. Like I said on Day 653: Just Like Jonah, I just keep running from it. But in my heart for months He has been telling me through friends, through the wisdom in his Word, through Sunday School, through prayer… He has been saying that I have GOT to make this sugar thing a total and complete lifestyle change.

As in… never again.

As in… quit.

Quit.

Quit eating sugar.

For.ev.er.

… … …

I know, right?!?!?

… … …

For.ev.er.

… … …

That’s nuts!

Wellllll, yeah, but so was giving up sugar for a year. But it was one of the best years of my life. Total and complete freedom.

So, this post could go on and on today… and I’ll explain more about how I came to this point in the following days’ posts… but here’s the deal.

I’ve been running from God.

Just like Jonah.

And I’m tired.

I’m tired of running.

I’m tired of trying to do this battle with food my way.

I’m tired.

And I’m failing at doing it my way.

I’m tired of failing.

So, I’m looking at this raging sea in my soul and I know that it’s raging because of me.

Because of my decision to go my own way.

And I’m done.

I’m just ready to quit.

So, this morning, I took one last sigh.

{Sigh}

Stood up and walked to the edge of this boat in this raging sea.

And I dove in.

I dove into the waters of His grace and mercy.

I dove into the waters of self “sacrifice”.

I dove into the waters of freedom.

I dove into the waters that will guide me back to where I need to be.

Will it be easy to give up sugar for.ev.er.???

Heck to tha NO.

It sure as heck wasn’t easy for Jonah to live in a whale’s stomach either.

But it got him back to where he needed to be.

And that was where God wanted him to be.

And as I tread water in this sea that is my soul, I realize that as soon as I jumped in… it was immediately calm. Refreshing even. Going His way instantly brings me more peace than I had during any of the days of trying to do it on my own.

The peace I have felt just in this one day… well, it just makes me so glad that I finally… finally…

quit.

i quit SUGAR

Day 654: So That

Ya know, after writing about Jonah yesterday on Day 653 I started to think about it.

And when I posted the pic from the blog to my blog’s instagram and I was looking at it

jonah belly of the whale

And I realized that I was essentially asking God what looked like two complete opposite things… one, I was asking for God to toss me into the proverbial sea and in the next sentence to show me grace and mercy.

Like, we don’t typically think of those two ideas as the same.

But, once again… God’s thoughts are not are thoughts. God’s ways are not our ways.

Cause think about it with Jonah. God could have just struck him dead with lightning or had him catch some kind of terrible illness that would kill him. But, God decided to show grace and mercy through the situation and toss Jonah into the sea…

SO THAT Jonah would be able to go to Nineveh and share the chance to experience God’s grace and mercy.

SO THAT Jonah would be able to tell this amazing story of how God chased after him to give him another chance.

SO THAT Jonah would live to tell the tale of God’s grace and mercy.

And oh man… what a story.

And that’s why I pray for God to “toss me into the sea”. I know that swimming around and getting swallowed by a whale would totally and completely be terrible, BUT I would be able to live to tell His story of grace and mercy.

if it will save my soul into the sea i'll go

To end… I am reminded of a song I have loved since high school. And a prayer that I have prayed time and time again (and I warn you, a prayer that He has been very, very keen to answer).

Take my world apart
I am on my knees
Take my world apart
Broken on my knees.

Here is the song. I’d encourage you to listen to it (the lyrics will be on the screen), but if you can’t the full lyrics are below. I just listened to it again sitting in La Madeleine’s and couldn’t help but bawl as they sang the cry of my heart.

“Worlds Apart”

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you – take my world apart
To need you – I am on my knees
To love you – take my world apart
To need you – broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can’t deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

Day 124: All Good

So, I just started this whole no bread and no chips “addition” to the covenant, and I thought that I’d talk about the first time the new rule made an issue… or was a learning moment for me.

Even though I posted about modifying the covenant a few days ago, it was actually on Sunday that I had the “revelation”… or at least that was the day that I made the decision. Well, my first thought was, “Oh, well, we are going to Texas Roadhouse for my brother’s dinner tonight and they have some wicked awesome rolls, so I think that I will wait until tomorrow to start the whole ” no bread” thing.”

And, thanks to the renewing… or at least to the process of renewing since I am by no means completely renewed yet… I immediately had the thought: “Oh, Come on, January! This is a deal with God. There is no waiting to follow the call of GOD ALMIGHTY just because you’d like to eat some BREAD at a restaurant!?!?!”

And I am reminded of Jonah… he very clearly heard the Word of God, and then… he did the opposite. Because that is what Jonah wanted to do. Just like me, I wanted to go out and eat bread even though I had clearly heard God tell me to do the opposite.

One day the Lord told Jonah, the son of Amittai, to go to the great city of Nineveh and say to the people, “The Lord has seen your terrible sins. You are doomed!” Instead, Jonah ran from the Lord. Jonah 1:1-3

Lucky for me, I have people like Jonah in the bible who didn’t listen to God… so I get to see that things don’t turn out so hot for those who disobey God and then I don’t have to make the same mistake. (Although, golly, how many times do I pull a “Jonah” and do the wrong thing anyway???) But, for once, and thanks to the renewing of my mind that has been going on for the past, ohhhhhhh, 123 days… I was able to make the right decision.

And there was one point at dinner when there was one roll left and my brother said, “Hey Jan, do you want that?” And I was able to say, “Nah, I’m all good.”

And I am…

…all good.

Thanks to God, I am alllllllllll gooooooood.