Day 376: Ugh.

(Writing this on Saturday night.)

I should be working on my lesson for tomorrow that I’m to teach to the middle school youth on evangelism.
I should try to avoid putting in titles that are depressing and lame like the word “ugh”.
I should be in bed sleeping (it’s 11:10pm).
I should get up and get myself a drink of water.
I should stop being overdramatic.

Buuuuuuuuuuuut, I’m not. Not gonna do any shoulds right now.

Cause I’m having a pity party.

Why? Cause I got all freaked out that I’m not going to be able to wear the clothes that I wore last year to my husband’s trade show because I have this little muffin top when I wear the pants. Sooooo, I went to Ross and Target looking for… I dunno. Looking for something. And well, everything looked HIDEOUS on me. And I said “You look FAT” to myself about 87 times.

And then I gave back everything that I tried on at Target and went to go get a few groceries for tomorrow and I have to walk past this.

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I mean… seriously?!?!? I was angry that the stuff even exists! Ha – like I said… pity. party.

But… well, I guess there is one silver lining here. I didn’t buy any donuts. or chocolate peanut butter cups. or ice cream. or chips. or cookies. or cakes. I said to myself, “You know those won’t fix anything” and I just moved on. Well, I took a picture of them and moved on.

And before this covenant, I woulda gotten some of these AND some ice cream AND some chocolate peanut butter cups AND probably some cookie dough just in case. But God has shown me over the past year that these things do not satisfy. They do not fulfill. They do not comfort. So, to look back and “see” myself just walking away from all this stuff is a huge blessing for me. It’s actually an answered prayer. It’s evidence that God has worked in me.

BUT.

Of course, there had to be a but. It’s a pity party post, remember?

Ya know what I found myself doing tonight?

Ugh. If my husband had just let me order a t-shirt too then I wouldn’t be worried about all this.
Ugh. If my husband had done the dishes for me then I’d be a lot less stressed out.
Ugh. If I just knew how to play an instrument then I could vent out my frustrations.
Ugh. If I had a book that I was reading then I could just pick it up right now and get lost in it.
Ugh. If I had never agreed to teach tomorrow then I could just take some benadryl and go to sleep.

Ya know what I found myself NOT doing tonight?

Sigh. Praying and thanking God for all that He’s done this year really put me back on the right track.
Sigh. Reading through Psalms just now made me feel so much more appreciative.
Sigh. Meditating on what God is: lovable, compassionate, kind, patient, powerful, faithful… really refreshed my spirit.

Nope. Because I was searching for fulfillment somewhere else. It may have not been food, but it was the exact same process. I mean, at least here, on this blog, I was able to come full circle and realize that. I think even just confessing it is a good step in the right direction. And right now I find myself thinking, “Oh I’m so glad that church is tomorrow. I just need someone else to pour some spirit refreshing words into my soul.”

But, in the meantime, I think I’m going to lay down, close my eyes, and at least do one of those “sighs” from above and mediate on what God is.

Day Eighty-Three: Good Food Begets Good Food

We went out to my parent’s house on Sunday for a “pre-Easter” because they will be out of town on Easter. My mom, in true southern woman form, made an awesome prEaster meal: ham (which everyone else said was amazing), roasted veggies, buttered baby new potatoes, salad, and crescent rolls. I had a beautiful plate of the veggies, potatoes, and salad… she has been so kind to consider my dietary needs and make sure that I have enough to eat at every family meal.

Well, let me tell you. The woman made these potatoes that were off the reservation… in other words, they were uh.maz.ing. Now, I have always had an affinity for potatoes… I like them even completely plain (although I cannot abide a microwaved potato… they just don’t taste the same). But these were truly scrumptious. I found myself fighting off some of my old habits of slinking back in to pop another in my mouth after we were all finished eating, and another, and another. I just had to remind myself that God has given me self-control.

All of that wasn’t just to lust after potatoes for a few minutes, but instead to point out that it was a really, really good meal of good food, good spices, good flavors. And today when I ran into the store with my son to get his class’s Easter eggs, I couldn’t help but grab some broccoli. I started thinking about dinner prep and I kinda got excited about making another gooooood dinner.

And I did make a good dinner… cedar grilled tilapia for my husband (which I can’t wait to try next week when I am off of my Lent fast), broccoli with a pepper lime butter sauce, and garlic mashed yukon potatoes. It was… goooood. And the nice thing about a yummy and good quality meal is that it is not only nutritionally fulfilling, but also craving fulfilling, AND emotionally/mentally fulfilling. I don’t have to fight off the mental urges of having had a sub par dinner… thoughts like “That wasn’t enough.” or “That wasn’t good.” or whatever. I was able to walk away from the table and totally and completely forget about food.

And having been able to just write those words makes me smile. Oh how far we’ve come Jesus, oh how far we’ve come.