I……… ate a bunch of chocolate on Thursday.
… … …
It was the leftover candy from my husband’s grandfather’s 80th birthday party that did me in. (Those Twix. Oh my. Twix.)
… … …
Annnnnnnnnnnd then I ate a bunch of white chocolate covered popcorn yesterday at a baby shower at my house.
Okay, okay. And I had some punch.
Well, a lot of punch.
… … …
And. A huge slice of cake.
After everyone had left.
While my husband was in the other room.
Sure, these are small indulgences compared to a year a half ago, but I have learned that with me… and with food… there is no small indulgence.
Plus, I have this, ya know, covenant.
Anyway. You know how you have that moment when you really just have to come face to face with the fact that something’s not right. not working. not… yeah. just NOT working.
As I walked through the kitchen in the middle of the night after my toddler woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep on his own cause he has restless leg syndrome, poor thing, I saw the white chocolate popcorn leftover from the baby shower and thought “Ooooooo, I’m gonna get some of that and put the popcorn on my tongue so that the white chocolate is what hits first.”
I mean… seriously?!?!?! Does my dadgum id EVER take a break? It’s making my super-ego work overtime!
Anyway, I immediately thought to myself: fruit fast. I need to do a fruit fast.
I’ve been thinking about it lately anyway. I’ve realized that even though my covenant started out as a fast last year… it sorta just developed into a diet. I think I knew that a long time ago, but I sorta denied it to myself. I wanted it to still be holy. I wanted it to still be righteous. But, it really was… just a diet.
And I wanted to remind myself what it means to really fast. Like, fast to where it “hurts”. Fast so that I feel the sacrifice. Fast so that I long for food for nourishment instead of for one of the other zillion reasons I long for food.
So, I started a fruit fast this morning. I figured I’d go for three days. My husband’s brother and his family arrive on Thursday and I’ll probably be out of pocket pretty frequently at my in-law’s and grandparent-in-law’s where I won’t have as much control over my options. Besides, I’ve never done a fruit fast, so I wasn’t sure how it would affect me.
And holllllly moly.
I was all good. I even thought around 10:00 this morning, “Oh yeah… I could so do this for way longer than three days.”
Until about… noon.
And then all I could see was everything in the fridge EXCEPT the fruit. I saw a carrot and thought “Oh my gosh, I’d love a carrot right now. or a bell pepper. or some tomatoes.” Things that I have wanted to try to avoid the past few months because they were allowed and healthy, simply because they were now “forbidden”, they suddenly became my desires. Honestly, I haven’t thought once about sugar or chocolate today… just vegetables and pasta.
And so I knew… “Oh yeah… I needed this.”
I sang some hymns.
I prayed to God.
I ate, like, 17 clementines.
I tamped down my horribly mean attitude that emerges when I am empty (well, for most of the day I did).
And I remembered… hunger.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Matthew 5:6