Day 192: Tangled

I’m starting to think that maybe saying “I’m healed” and “I’m cured” and whatnot… well, maybe it was a bit of a stretch. a bit too early. a bit… wrong.

Cause lately I’m not feeling so “healed” or so ” cured” of this addiction. I mean, I’m not giving in, but I’m just alllllllllll over that line between covenant and non-covenant. In a way, I have lost the “spirit” of the covenant, and I think that bothers me just as much as actually breaking the covenant.

And, honestly, I go back and forth a bit between beating myself up about it, then finding grace and mercy through my identity in Christ, and then back to beating myself up over it again. Occasionally, I season that routine with a bit of denial… or ignoring the issue, but if there is anything strong within me now that wasn’t there before… it is the Holy Spirit… and he is pretty good about convicting me and I am now not avoiding that conviction as much (key words: as much).

Again, I have to remind myself that this is 33 years of habit that is having to be broken out of me… ripped out of me… and it’s a lot like my relationship to Christ (stick with me here)… cause I’m at the point where I no longer feel that I can separate myself from Christ. My life has been so full of him and so surrounded by him for so long that… well, I just don’t know me at all without Him. But, I have loved food even longer than I have loved Christ. I have relied upon food even longer than I have relied upon Christ. It is truly my deepest and most ingrained piece of my humanity… and well… it just doesn’t separate so easily.

And I know that I have referenced this verse many-a-time, but I’m gonna slip back into the good ol NIV and just say that this verse is perfect…

…let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. Hebrews 12:1

Cause… yeah… I’m entangled in it. (Okay, now I’m realllly feeling like I have already said all of this in another post.) I feel like I am having to detach one strand of sin at a time from my soul. And it is tedious… and frustrating… and seems, well, hopeless at times. Like a ball of yarn that is all… crazy. You get to points in the process of unwinding it where you just want to toss it all. But Christ isn’t willing to toss me out like a ball of yarn. Because He knows the beauty that I am capable of when properly woven…

And so it is days like this… days when I’m feeling all sorts of… tangled… that I can just close my eyes and remember the next part of that verse…

… fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. Hebrews 12:2

So when I can’t seem to detangle another strand of myself, that’s okay… because I can fix my eyes on Jesus. And even if that’s all I can do the rest of my life, then, well… that’s not a bad deal.