Day 152: Me, Myself, And I


I talk to myself a lot more nowadays.

I mean, I have always talked to myself quite a lot, especially right before starting the covenant, but the past few months it has been really noticeable… but both times it has been about food.

Before, most of my talking was more of a fight with myself as I tried to convince myself not to eat an Oreo, not another Oreo, please… please… not another Oreo. Or the convincing myself that another Oreo was no biggie, that I deserved it, that I needed it. Or it was the mean, mean self-talk when I did realize that I had eaten half a bag of Oreos.

Okay, okay, a whole bag.

But now the self talk is a bit more constructive and has a lot less of me battling… me. Now I think “Am I reallllly hungry? Do I realllllly need another bowl of carrots?” or “Would eating that bread with honey leftover from Saxon’s lunch realllllly honor and please God?” (And I write that one specifically because it is a struggle for me right now.)

Like, recently my husband had his last day of school and so we went and got him a “special meal” at Dickey’s BBQ. After he had eaten I kept eyeing his BBQ sauce… and here was my “self-talk”…

I can eat BBQ sauce, right?

Well, yeah, but will it honor God?

I don’t see why not. It’s not meat and I’m hungry. Besides, I may love meat but I really love the sauce that goes on it!

Then go for it!

So, I did! I ate the BBQ sauce with a spoon and it was yummy!!!

So, it is neat to see that God has truly transformed my mind. I mean, I like that my conversations with me are more… more about Him than they are about me fighting with myself.

Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Romans 12:2

Day Fifty-Six: Almost Autopilot

Yesterday I took my boys out to my in-laws house out in the country for the day. It’s so revitalizing for each of us and they get in some great grandfather time!

And while we were there he baked some of his famous honey wheat bread. No problem, I have built up a pretty decent resistance. Well, actually I ate the little square he gave me to taste cause he was so proud of it (and it certainly was goooooood). At the end of the day he offered to send the second loaf home with us. I knew that the boys would enjoy it so I accepted.

What I didn’t expect was to feel that old temptation pull.

I kind of had a few thoughts about that:

1) Feeling temptation fighting in me is actually kind of a nice feeling… because of that one word: fighting. I think for so long before the covenant there were very few times where I even attempted to “fight”. I was just giving in all the time. Probably because I knew that I would lose all the time. But now, I am not afraid to fight, because I know that I’m going to win.

2) The feeling of temptation sorta “sticks out”. Like instead of it being a subliminal feeling or one that is subconsciously ignored, I feel it. And I had mixed emotions about feeling it- like, part of me was like, “Whoa- temptation. It’s been a while.” And that was a nice feeling- that my life is having to endure temptation less and less in the area of food. But at the same time there was a bit of panic. Like, “Oh no. I know that feeling. And what if I give in?”

3) How do I fight this? How do I win? I guess I kept thinking of what happened when I wrote Obedience Is Bliss. Although that night was weird. It was like the old me kicked in out of nowhere. I was almost… reveling in the temptation. That night the thought of that food was simply too entrancing. But I also think I set myself up that night. I welcomed sin into my house. I baked that apple crisp knowing that it would be wrong. I sinned way before I ever even took a bite of food.

So last night with the bread, it was like an “out of nowhere” temptation. And it was almost like there were three steps I need to expect for the future.

1) I felt the temptation coming on.
2) I called it what it was- I recognized it and said to myself, “I am totally being tempted right now.”
3) I looked at the bread and said “No I won’t. I’m doing this for Jesus.”

That was a lot of thinking smushed down into three easy steps. But it wasn’t that easy. It didn’t last long but the little battle of thoughts was raging. It all happened so quickly too.

All I can say is that after fifty-six days I think I’m seeing more and more instances of my mind having been renewed some. There is a lot more refining to go, but it’s almost like my brain is on autopilot now. I still need to look out for “storms” but I’m seeing that my mind is resisting some on its own.

Pretty cool!