Day 629: I Love It When My Pants Won’t Button

if you wake up and your fat jeans wont button consider it a challenge

Okay, well, I love the effect it has on me when my pants won’t button.

Wait. False.

I love the effect on me AFTER the original response I have when my pants won’t button.

Confused?

I bet.

This morning I woke up, did the whole parenting thing, made lunches, got kids dressed, yada yada ya. And then I needed to throw on some clothes to take my son to Kindergarten (He still insists that we walk him into the school instead of car drop off, and well… I indulge him), so I ran into my closet and thought “Oh, I’ll just grab my ‘fat jeans’ and wear those.”

Now, mind you, my ‘fat jeans’ are heinously uncomfortable and actually they aren’t even a bigger size… so ‘fat jeans’ is really quite a misnomer. They are my ‘cheap jeans’ that look terrible on me so I call them my ‘fat jeans’ because they are the ones that I wear around the house.

Only, not today I didn’t.

Because they wouldn’t even button.

I looked up at myself in the mirror. And I could see the dismay on my face.

It’s happening.

I said to myself.

I’m gaining weight.

A lot of it.

I must be if these jeans won’t even BUTTON!

And cue the moment where I spiral into a depression because I am doing the VERY thing that I do not want to do: gain. I mean, it’s cool for me to maintain, but gain?!?! No.

I could feel the horrid self-talk bubbling up from deep inside me… raging to crawl up into my mind and tell me that I’m worthless. weak. stupid.

But then I looked up again… and I said to the mirror, yes, I said it outloud, by myself, in the bathroom, with my ‘fat jeans’ hanging open.

Well then, it’s on!

{Cause I really try to never miss a chance to make my life feel a little bit like a cheesy movie.}

But it was… it was ON!  I decided in that 13 seconds that I was going to go to the pool and swim that morning (even though not even an hour before I had decided to cancel my membership since I hadn’t been in three weeks… which was a post-injury sabbatical of a week that had stretched into three) and then I was going to make a meal list for the week and then I was going to go grocery shopping later today.

Okay… that is the too-much-detail-I-always-tell-too-many-irrelevant-details version of the morning. And I mean, it was cool that a moment that should have gotten me down… a moment that would have knocked every ounce of motivation out of me a couple of years ago… that moment turned into my motivation!

But it got even cooler.

So, I went to the gym (and I am currently straining myself to leave out every detail of the morning between dropping my son off at school and finally making it into the pool) and of course water aerobics were about to begin and you can’t lap swim during that time. Since I was feeling very, very tight I hopped into the hot tub to get my body warmed up. While I was in there I started doing some stretching and thought

This would be a great time to pray.

So that’s what I did… I stretched and prayed… and THEN, I started to sing.

Yep.

In the hot tub.

Which is in the same room as water aerobics.

I just couldn’t come up with a verse or a prayer that was expressing my heart right, and my mind just sorta defaulted into song (which unfortunately, try as I might… I canNOT remember which one it was)! So… I sang.

And then when water aerobics really got jumpin, I got into the small portion of the pool by the steps that they don’t use and I just did some swim-kicks (whatever you want to call it… I held on to the step and kicked my legs as if I were swimming) and I said thank you to God for everything that I could come up with.

Thank you God for this membership.
Thank you God for this pool.
Thank you God for the time to do this.
Thank you God for your grace.
Thank you God for my body.
Thank you God for where I am now.
Thank you God for where I will be.
Thank you God for where I have been.
Thank you God for this revival of my heart.
Thank you God for…
Thank you God for…
Thank you God for…

And it was beautiful. And I did those leg kicks for thirty minutes. Not because I had to but because I wanted to. I wanted to stay there with God. I wanted to say thanks to Him both through my words and through my commitment to stay there and work my body. I wanted to stay there and say thanks…

Thank you God for… the fact that my ‘fat jeans’ didn’t fit this morning.

fat pants made me workout

Day Twenty: No Comment

I have lost twelve pounds in the past few weeks. That’s a hunk of fat my friends. My jeans fit better. I am starting to eye those “skinny jeans” again. (Ironic isn’t it that what I consider my “skinny jeans” now used to be my “fat jeans”? Haha- it’s all perspective.) I feel better… seriously. I have started to figure out things like… my sugar is gonna cuh-rash in the afternoons and although for some reason my mind thinks “eat protein” what I really need is sugar. So I now eat an orange or a pear or something like that and I feel great. I guess just another example of me needing to retrain my mind.

But although I have lost twelve pounds no one has said a thing. Not a single comment of “Wow- are you losing weight?”

I bring this up NOT because I want someone to say “Wow- are you losing weight?” but because I DON’T want someone to say that. For I have recently discovered another area in which my mind and soul need some renewal.

In the past, I have gleaned so much motivation from people making comments about my weight loss. I would learn to thrive off of it.

Until… the comments stop. Ya know how it goes, you lose 10 or 15 pounds and everyone oohs and ahhs over you and then the comments start to decrease until they are gone. And with the comments goes the motivation.

See? Yet another area for renewal. That kind of dependence is placed in the wrong spot! That is dependence upon people’s opinions of me. And their love and adoration will always fail me. Yes, even my mom who is the number one person to tell me nice things about my weight or my hair or my smile… some random day when I “need” a comment she will not make one to me. And she shouldn’t need to! I shouldn’t need her comments in order to feel like I am amazing (although Mom, feel free to keep em coming if you want! Haha!).

You know why? I may be Beth Parker’s daughter on earth, but I’m an eternal princess. (Okay but I don’t mean that in some I’m-making-a-new-religion kind of way.)

I. am. the. daughter. of. THE. KING.

I am a daughter of The King Of The Universe. And He absolutely adores me.

I picture God sitting in heaven with His cheek leaning on His hand… watching me… smiling at me. Thinking how beautiful I am. Relishing in a moment when I look in the mirror and see the beauty that He sees. The inner beauty that has nothing to do with those twelve pounds. That has nothing to do with skinny jeans or fat jeans. That has nothing to do with commentary made by people.

The inner beauty of a daughter. Loved by her Father. Adored by her Father. Lavished with blessings by her Father.

So…no need to make a comment! I have all the comments from Him that I need.

See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are! 1 John 3:1

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