Day 531: God Has Ruined Me

I feel like I’m on the cusp of something great.

Like… last year was really, really great.

This year has been… good.

And good is, ya know… good.

But it’s realllly hard to go back to “good” when you’ve been great.

And I just feel like there is something big about to happen in my life. Now, I’m not necessarily saying something good is about to happen in my life, but something big. I know that God uses all kinds of things in our lives to drive us closer and closer to His Purpose for us… and I know that God uses all kinds of things to spread His Name and His Glory. So, I’m up for whatever. But I think I’ve kinda been… ruined.

I can’t do just… good.

Not anymore.

I need to be greatly used by Him now.

Annnnnnnd, here’s what’s… haha, great… about today’s positivity. Guess what it is?

POSITIVITY: I am ready.

Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything. James 1:2-4

When I see the word endurance, I automatically think of my brother. He’s this super-athlete that enjoys running insane distances. We joke that he got all of the athletic endurance and I got none (although the older I get I realize it has far more to do with his willpower than it does with any physical genetics). Anyway… I’ve gone to many-a-race to watch him run and I’m thinking particularly of his half-Ironman race a few years ago. A half-Ironman is as close to chosen-insanity as I can imagine, but he loves to push himself. After his race, we watched videos and looked at pictures. As my brother told his race story, and as we watched him run by… exhausted… I sorta redefined my image of endurance.

{Speaking of image…
this is my bro in one of his many races!}

Austin Endurance

I think we often think that endurance is just someone running along without struggles. Endurance is not about continuing at the same pace. Endurance is about simply continuing. It’s about pushing past the limit that your body tries to tell you is there. It’s about, for a runner, throwing up while running to keep going and not stop. It’s about limping as you cross the finish line even though you have been running the past 5 miles with a blister. It’s about running through shin splints, cramps, pulled muscles.

And that’s sorta where I feel I’ve been the past few months… sticking to it while I struggle. even though I’ve stumbled. pushing through trials and temptation. But, I’m still here. I have not given up. I have kept faith that God will carry me across that finish line… I may be exhausted, but He and I will. finish. this. race.

So, today, I look at the calendar of coming days and weeks, and I know that this race has been testing my endurance and developing it, so that I’ll be strong in character and READY… ready for anything.

PRAYER:

God… I’m just so… excited! I know that the next chapter of my journey might be perilous and crazy and unexpected but I’m just so excited to be GOING on a journey. I’m so excited that I’m still ON a journey with You!

Thank you for giving me what I need to be ready. Thank you for all of the trials and whatnot that I’ve gone through over the past few months as I limp through this race. Thank you because it has shown me that it is about endurance and making it through with You.

I’m ready… ready for whatever path You are ready to take us down. I have this weird surge of faith and hope and trust for you lately and maybe that is why I’m so ready to… just DO IT!

Above all God, I ask that I keep my eyes on You. You made this faith that I rely upon. Help me to maintain the right focus… one that is all about you and not about being skinny. Help me God, every moment of every day.

Amen.

Day 173: Kriya For Kidneys

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So my friend Ana is getting her yoga certification and apparently with that she gets to sorta do some of her own “advanced” yoga kind of stuff. She said it was called kriya, and from the thirty seconds that I researched it on the internet, it looks like kriya can range from doing some crazy yoga moves that will clear out constipation (seriously)… all the way to cleaning out your closet.

(She was telling me the latter type of kriya – ha!)

Anyway, one of the parts of kriya, which at it’s core seems to be about cleansing, is to rid yourself of unwanted, unnecessary, unhelpful, unmotivating “stuff” from your life. According to Ana, starting in the closet is a good place to begin. So, I gave it a try… now, my closet is already pretty streamlined because it is soooooooo tiny. It’s a “walk in closet” but only in name… cause that’s all you can do… is take one. step. in. and then look around. But I certainly had some things that were in there that I was making bad associations.

Like the shirt above… first of all, I always feel like I’m going clubbing when I wear it, but ummmmmm… in case you can’t tell from the posts about my life… clubbing is not something that I do anymore. And lest you think it’s because I am so terribly upstanding and righteous, it is actually because I just get grossed out by all the sweaty people, and desperate guys, and the late, late nights… so, basically, it’s just because I’m old! Haha! (Plus, I dance pretty much all the time in my house, thank you very much Pandora).

Also, I bought it when I was several sizes bigger and I thought it made me look skinny (which it was a flattering shirt), and once I put it on at my size now I was a little disgusted with myself for wearing it before… it looked snug on me now so I would imagine that it was wayyyyyyyyy too snug then.

Annnnnnnnnd, I have to safety pin the straps on the under-shirt part of it so that it doesn’t hang down to my belly button… it’s one of those shirts that I’m pretty sure about three days after I bought it at full price, they put it on the clearance rack for 75% off or sent them all off to Ross.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd, it was always. forever. constantly. falling off of the hanger it was on. It didn’t matter WHAT type of hanger I put that dad gum thing on… it would fall off. And that drove me CRAZY.

So. I kriyaed that thing. Put it in the give away. In fact, in the picture above, it’s in the doorway between my laundry room and my garage to go in the pile that the National Kidney Foundation was picking up that day, so that sucker is gonnnnnnnne!

And it really does feel better to have it gone!

Yes, it was a shirt that I loved at one point, but now it’s just a blah. And this life that Christ came for, well, like He said…

My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life. John 10:10

And I’m pretty sure the word “blah” or “meh” is not in there.

Therefore… let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. Hebrews 12:1

So, day by day, I’ll be getting rid of the “meh” in my life. Purging the “blah” from each day. And seeking out that rich and satisfying life that He came to give me.

Day 118: Trippin

Well. I have had it.

I mean, actually, I’d “had” it yesterday.

With the weighing.

Yes…… I know that I said that months ago, but now, for real. I’m done. Here’s how “done” I am with weighing myself…

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This morning my husband came out to weigh himself and I just started word vomiting all over him, and it went something like this…

I am done with that thing. Done with it. I was depressed all weekend because of that dad gum thing and the dad gum number it kept showing me. I am done being defined by it. I am done weighing. I don’t care anymore what it says. I’m done. I will not weigh myself again. Do. not. let. me.

And let me just tell you what he did.

He got off the scale, picked it up, walked into our kitchen, pulled the trash out and held it out over the trash. Then he said, “Ya wanna do it with me?” And we tossed that scale into the trash.

(Side note: I. LOVE. MY. HUSBAND.)

And I was already feeling pretty free after my reminder yesterday that God will continue to work in me, but this took it to a whole new level. Because that scale (and every other scale… ever) has been a constant source of depression, and wrong identity, and emotional sickness, and… and… and. So, we got rid of it. Know why? It was slowing me down. slowing down my race to God. And so we had to get rid of it…

Let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. Hebrews 12:1

And I know (well, I mean, I have a decent idea) what is at that finish line. And I know that the race gets better the closer I get to Him. And I don’t want to wait any longer than I have already had to wait to get closer to Him. So I’m leaving that weight behind cause it was tripping. me. up. And I’m running with endurance this race to the face of my Jesus.

And for a girl that doesn’t like to run… well, this is a kind of race that even I am willing to train for!

Day 108: Healing Struggler

I went to a teacher’s conference at St. Mark’s School of Texas today (a brilliant place… we would love to send Pasco there, but we are…… ohhhhh about $25,000 short! Haha!). My English-teacher mentor Lynne Weber is there and even though I’m not in the classroom I still love to go. I left the day feeling revitalized and focused on how to help my boys reach their potential!

Okay but that has naught to do with food! But I did have a great moment there at lunch. I got their baked salmon and cauliflower along with a salad with blue cheese dressing and a cold broccoli salad. I wasn’t terribly hungry but being at a conference where you never really know when you might get struck down with hunger or when you’ll get to eat again, I usually would have eaten everything on my plate.

But I didn’t! I left 1/4 of the salmon there and some of the cauliflower. I did eat all of the cold broccoli salad cause it was delish! And I left quite a bit of my salad too. It was just a nice day to see myself not have to eat. I felt like a size 00 girl even though I’m still rollin in my size 12s.

And ya know. It just makes me think. Yesterday I was posting asking for prayer because of my struggles. Today I post because of happiness of a mind renewal having occurred.

A truth that I have to remember is that sometimes the changes in my life are not necessarily smooth. There are sometimes steps back. Sometimes steps forward. Somedays I am healed in my mind and heart. Some days I’m still a struggler.

On the days of struggle, I simply must remember this:

Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised. Hebrews 10:36