Day 720: Remember That Time I Had A Diet Blog And Then Gained Weight???

Well, ya know how it’s not real cool to tell everyone on your diet blog that you’ve gained weight? Cause it doesn’t exactly foster “confidence” in what you are doing. Especially after you’ve had all these articles written and been interviewed for an article in The Atlantic. Yeah, gaining weight would be a totally lame thing to admit to.

But, well, I’m all about being totally open and “transparent” (that’s the new trendy Christian buzz word for “being real” right now, isn’t it?). So, I’m going to tell you that I’ve gained weight.

Only, it’s not pretty. It’s not like, “Oh, I’ve put on the Christmas 5″ or anything cute like that.

Nope, I weighed myself in August and then I weighed myself again this weekend knowing that it would be more but secretly hoping it wouldn’t be. And oh, boy howdy, it was most certainly more.

TWENTY POUNDS MORE.

Since August, people.

Uhhhhhhhhh, yeah. That’s not good.

Not. good. at. all.

So, of course, like I used to do when I weighed myself (and I haven’t weighed myself since Day 118: Trippin), I spiraled into a pit of despair and self-loathing.

Ahhhhhhhh, the life of someone who struggles with weight and eating issues.

But honestly, it didn’t surprise me. I’ve been three-day dieting for months now. You know what I’m talking about…

Monday: I’m so hard core! This is so great to be eating healthy! I feel awesome! No more sugar or bread foreverrrrrr!
Tuesday: Yeah! I’ve still got it. This time… this time is different! This time I’m gonna do it!
Wednesday: Uhhhhhhhhh… why the HECK did my husband’s client send him a box of PREMIUM chocolates?!?!?
Thursday: {Nom Nom Nom on aforementioned box of chocolates}
Friday: Since the box of chocolates is all gone, eat a bag of tortillas because it’s really the only bread in the house. I mean, might as well… cause I ate like a pig yesterday.
Saturday: Self-loathing is at its peak… perhaps sneak into the kids Christmas stocking candy. How much is is that Plexus stuff???
Sunday: Admit defeat, decide you CAN do it this time… tomorrow is the day! Soooo, gotta eat the rest of the Christmas cookies to, ya know, clear the house of their evil.
Monday: Repeat. previous. week. all. over. again. and then again. and then again.

But I’m also going to tell you a very, very important thing…

I’M. NOT. GIVING. UP.

Did I want to order Plexus immediately? Yes. Did I contemplate getting a job just to get me out of my house and away from food? Yes. Did my husband talk me down from doing both of those things? Yes.

Cause here’s the deal: Plexus is an easy fix for me but I know… I know… that it won’t solve my problem. I may not have an eating disorder (or heck, I might… I’ll let my bestie determine that… ironically, she’s a psychologist for all that stuff) but I do know that I have some disordered eating habits.

And that has got to change.

So, to change… I’ve got to make some changes.

Honestly, there are several posts coming up on that this week: changing the way we change, incorporating systems into my life to help with this cuh.ray.zay. weight gain, and most importantly, making deliberately sure that Jesus is more of my DAILY life.

I wanted to write it all here right now, but then this post would be a gazillion words long. So, I’m forcing myself to spread it out over a few days. And, well, if you’ve read this far then hopefully that means that you’ll be on this journey with me… continue on this journey with me, despite the fact that I’ve put on some poundage and because of the fact that God’s changes are on His own timing, but people… HIS CHANGES are oh. so. glorious.

So, here I go. Still journeying on that path from gluttonous… to glorious!

Day 625: Daniel Fast Confession

20130924-215931.jpg

So… I feel like I gotta tell y’all.

I didn’t really do the 7-Day Daniel Fast this last week.

Well, I did… at the end. But not at first.

I could give y’all a bunch of excuses, but it boiled down to: my husband went out of town Wednesday night and I didn’t go to the grocery store, so it just… didn’t happen.

BUT.

Some of y’all did do the Daniel Fast! And let me tell you… from the emails and messages that I’ve gotten from you that were blessed… guess what?

You sharing your blessing… blessed me! And it challenged me! And it fulfilled one of my favorite verses:

I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong— 12that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith. Romans 1:11-12

And it is actually THE reason that I started this blog in the first place… because I needed help and I needed accountability.

On Sunday, I had the pleasure of crossing paths with two of you that were really enjoying your Daniel Fasts and just your excitement and awe at how life-changing it is and the spirit inside of you… well, I went home and I was like “I am going to make this Daniel Fast thing happen for me, even if it’s just the last couple of days.”

It probably didn’t hurt that on Sunday morning I couldn’t find a THING to wear in my closet that fit right. I mean… we are talking

MAJOR.
TUMMY.
ROLLS.

Everything was excessively UNflattering because nothing fit. I mean, we are talking about things that fit me a few weeks ago and on Sunday I was positively POURING out of them.

But, like I said on Day 623: Perfectly Prepared, I trust in the slow work of God.

And He worked through you.

Because on Sunday afternoon, I got back on that wagon and, of course, immediately felt better. Immediately felt my mind turn to God. Immediately felt the freedom beginning to wash over me again.

So. To you who encouraged me simply by sharing your love of the work of God.

Thank you!

Day 389: BBFFs

BFFs.

Best Friends Forever.

I remember when I was in junior high and dangle rings were IN. I mean… you HAD to have a dangle ring and it HAD to be a Best Friends dangle where one person had the Be Fri and the other person had the St End.

20130201-132644.jpgIn 9th grade, a girl that was a good friend of mine gave me the Be Fri side of the set. Now note. I said a good friend. And my actual best friend (who is still my best friend now) was a little jealous in that junior-high best friend kind of way that all girls experience at some time. And I honestly don’t know when the BFF “term” came about, but I use it all the time (ironically enough though I almost never use it to refer to my actual real best friend). However, I have now come up with a new term.

Best Blogging Friends Forever.

BBFFs.

{Brilliant. I know.}

Why, pray tell, did I come up with a new abbreviation?

When I started blogging over a year ago about my covenant, I anticipated that it would be pretty much just for me and that some of my close friends and family would read it too. I had no idea that other people that didn’t even KNOW me would want to read it and I certainly never expected anyone to do a covenant WITH me.

Which is why I also didn’t expect to get such encouragement from other bloggers and other blogs. Namely, two.

My new BBFFs.

I recently discovered the blog of a woman who approaches her mindset about weight and weight loss in a very similar way to me. It was so wonderful to see someone else write the very words that I was thinking. It was so wonderful to see someone else provide ME with a verse that helped. The blog love.life.chocolate. has already been an inspiration to me as well as comments made on my blog by “finneyfer“.

Like, on Day 387 I wrote a post about when I was in California and got sick cause I ate too much fried food. I was sorta beating up on myself… and she made the following comment for me:

20130201-142231.jpg

And I’ll be honest… at first I was like, No, I don’t want to give myself grace and then I was like, Wait. She’s talking about scripture. Before you say “No” it would probably be a good idea to re-read through Romans 7 and 8. This is not HER talking… this is her reminding you of what GOD says. So, I (again, being honest) reluctantly read Romans 7 and 8.

Lo and behold, it changed me. Hmmmmm… what a shocker, that the Word of God would change me. Ha! But I was reminded that this is not about my COVENANT. This is about me showing love to God and honoring Him. It is about living in the spirit not in the flesh. It is about going past the Law… past my covenant… and doing even more than I have been instructed to do. Going “above and beyond” if you will.

That’s just one example as to why finneyfer has been designated as a BBFF… because she didn’t just say “Oh yeah, fried foods are totally gross” or something like that… instead, she pointed me to scripture. A woman I have never met led me to The Cross. She led me to scriptures that reminded me and refocused me on His Grace.

Another BBFF of mine is the author of the new blog mignonpanache. She is actually one of my BFFs in real life as well, and it’s because of things like her post Self Talk:

20130201-182511.jpg

And later on in the post she wrote this…

20130201-182553.jpg

Dang. Especially after my recent Facebook struggles, this one really got my attention. She said that she had “a ton of non-tech time.” Now, granted… I have two young strapping boys. I have a ton of non-tech time as well simply because I’m always with them… chasing them, entertaining them, cleaning up after them, dressing them, bathing them… you get the picture. However, I tend to gravitate towards my phone whenever I have a second of downtime or “me” time. So, I rarely spend any of my quiet moments without technology.

And I think this needs to change.

I know it needs to change.

Thanks to her sharing something she has learned… I have been really thinking about my over-techie lifestyle a lot… thinking of how I need to change my full-tech life. thinking of how I can find more peace. more serenity. more stillness.

Soooooooo, yet another example of how someone that I don’t see regularly has impacted my life… through a blog.

It’s just… awesome. It’s so… unexpected. It’s so… modern. Ha. And at no point am I suggesting that BBFFs can replace real, one-on-one, authentic relationships in the flesh… but I think they can be a powerful influence.

Afterall, the majority of the New Testament… was a letter. It was written communication. It was faith, hope, and love in the form of words. sentences. paragraphs. And aside from the fact that it was GOD’S WORDS, it’s form was very similar to a modern day blog.

My point?

Ha- I don’t really know. Find a blog? Start a blog? Write a letter? An email? A note? I guess… my point is… reach out and communicate.

Share whatever blessings you’ve been given. Share whatever message you’ve been given. Share whatever pain you’ve felt.
Share His Grace. Share His Truth. Share His Hope. Share His Love.

Day 302: Jesus Calling

20121108-074541.jpg

A friend of mine that has recently started the covenant (along with a fast from Facebook and several TV shows… you go girl!) recommended the devotional Jesus Calling. She told me there was an app and so I thought I’d check it out. I’m a bit of a devotional snob… as in, I am terribly picky about them and almost never read them. BUT, I love apps so I simply couldn’t resist looking into it!

Well… let me tell you, from the perspective of someone that is pressed for time, only has a few minutes a day somedays to read the Word or meditate on God, and gets annoyed by typical devotionals… this one is great! (If you are already a Jesus Calling fan, then you can skip down a bit and then I talk about one of the things that I have recently gotten out of the study.)

1) It is from “Jesus’s” point of view. Not His actual words but based on His Words. It really does feel like Him… calling. speaking. encouraging. challenging.

2) There are always scriptures at the end that support what was just written. A couple of times if the writings didn’t snag my soul then the scriptures have done so. But for the days where the writing really hits it, the scriptures just come behind and solidify the revelation.

3) Hate to say that this is a “selling-point” for me, but it is… the devotionals are short. Of course I prefer days when I am not interrupted during my 6am readings or prayers, but… kids like to wake up early when you need them to sleep in. It’s just a fact of life! So, this is a great boon on those days when I might not otherwise have gotten anything for my soul.

Alright… that was my little “check it out” speech. I promise that I didn’t get paid or whatever for all that. It’s just that when I find something that I think is spiritually encouraging, I love to share. Cause if something will crack through my hard heart then it is typically good for just about anyone!

And yesterday’s reading (Nov 6) was just really, really helpful. This sentence in particular (remember to read it as if Jesus is saying it to you):

    A quick glance at Me is all you need to make the right choice.

I mean…… bam. That was all I needed to help me get through the past few days. I had been really struggling lately with the “little bites” of food sitting around. The leftover homemade donut bite. The remains of a jelly sandwich. (Yes, you heard me right… a jelly sandwich… my 5 year-old doesn’t eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Nope. Just jelly.) The three or four uneaten goldfish crackers destined for the compost bin.

I knew that those things were not what was best for me. not on my covenant. not an honor to God. and not being eaten when I was hungry. But I was popping them in my mouth anyway! But after reading that little phrase, I tried it… there was a donut bite out and I literally glanced up and away from it at Jesus. Knew what was right. Knew He would give me the power to resist. And threw it away. And then it was soooooo much easier to resist the next time and the next and the next. (As a mom of two boys and wife to a grown-boy, I am around food… a lot.)

And through those moments I found one of the accompanying verses exceptionally accurate!

    Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Psalm 37:4

My true heart’s desire is not to eat a leftover goldfish cracker. My heart’s desire is to be free of the things of this world (right now, food). And I delighted myself in God’s power and loving spirit and He gave me the true desire of my heart… freedom.

Day 179: I Am

I am imperfect.

I am merely human.

I sin.

I fail.

I am incomplete.

But…

I am saved.

I am redeemed.

I am forgiven.

I am made perfect.

I am not finished.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within me, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6

This is a mini post, but it is just what I’m needing to tell myself right now. I have been struggling like cuh.ray.zey. lately! But…

He. is. not. finished. with. me.

Every day is a new day. Every chance is a new chance. His Love is in every day… in every chance.

Ahhhhhhhhh.

I needed to remind myself. And I’ll need to remind myself again tomorrow.

Please – if I don’t post tomorrow. Please check on me. I need some encouragement while I get my mind back on track.

Day Ninety-Five: Freedom Fire

I was… sorta… burned out this week. Just… not feeling the excitement or passion of the blog, the covenant, the Bible… nothing. Life has been a little crazy… no, not crazy… but, full. Like I said yesterday, I haven’t been reading my Bible this week and that exemption sorta leaves me… empty.

Well, a few nights ago I posted a recent picture of myself on Facebook. No biggie- a few former students made a few comments, and then I didn’t really check it for a while. Well, then tonight right before I bed I checked my Facebook and there were THIRTY comments and forty-something “likes” on my “new me” pic!

Now, I’m not entirely sure how this happened but all of these “Great pic!” and “Love it” and “Wow you look amazing!!!” comments were on there. And even though it should have puffed up my pride, all I could think about was God. About how he gave me the ability to be free… and I felt so bolstered by all of these friends of mine so happy for me to have a beautiful moment. And it was… encouraging!

But most encouraging were the multiple friends of mine that messaged me asking for more details about my covenant, or to meet and talk, or to want the blog website, or to tell me how much they connected to the posts on the blog or my beginning stories, etc. The further I get into my covenant the more that I long and hope for others to experience the same freedom from food (or whatever stronghold or addiction they might be enduring).

So I hope that some people will be encouraged, as I was, to seek Christ for their comfort and sustenance. Because I know that they can experience freedom from their struggle but at the same time that God will probably also light a fire in them of passion for Him.

Day Thirty-Seven: God Post

Today is not a post about eating or not eating.
Today is not a post about my struggles and my successes.
Today is not a post about… today, or yesterday, or the day before.

Today is a post about tomorrow… or the next day… or next week… next month… next year.

When I’m depressed, anxious, worried, happy, emotional, whatever…

Are you tired? Worn out? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me… watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly. Matthew 11:28-30

Dang. There are just some verses that don’t really need to be expounded upon… and that is one of them. So, some day down the road when life is just… icky… I will have those verses to remember.

When I want to quit or bend the rules or ignore my covenant…

Let’s not allow ourselves to get worn out doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don’t give up or quit. Galatians 6:9

Yes… right! Buttttttt, wait. How do I “not allow myself to get worn out”? Well…

Those who trust in God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, they run and don’t get tired, they walk and don’t lag behind.Isaiah 40:31

And another encouragement…

I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and peace of heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.John 14:27

So, I know that I didn’t really say anything new… but today was just one of those days where I really didn’t think that I was supposed to say anything. Today, I let God do a “guest post” on my blog. Haha!