So… yeah. I haven’t lost any weight in two months. I haven’t gained any weight in two months.
I know that it’s pretty awesome to be able to say that. Well, I sorta knew but this morning my husband reminded me how awesome it was to be able to say that I have stayed the exact same weight for two months. He kept saying “Your body has found homeostasis.” And even though I have heard that word, I had to look it up. And then I read the definition and, well, I might be an English buff, but it was too complicated for a mid-afternoon-mommy-mind, so I looked it up on thesaurus.com and well, there were no other words for it, but I did remember that he said it was essentially “balance”.
Again, so. cool. to be able to say that my body is in balance!
Yeah, I know… but.
But I don’t want to be in balance at 160 pounds.
And I’m afraid that this is going to be one of those posts where I just have to “keep it real”. Even though over the past week or so I have been saying how I don’t care about weight and I don’t care that I haven’t lost any weight recently… well, when it came down to it this morning when my husband weighed and told me a bit about some of his own personal weight loss goals… it turns out that I did care.
I went over to the scale and weighed myself. Wow, what a shocker (sarcasm, right there)… smack dab at 160 again.
I could feel the emotion of disappointment welling up in me. Even though I knew that I shouldn’t be disappointed. Even though I could remember instantly where I’d been. Even though. Even though. Even though.
But I was disappointed all the same.
And on the way to take my husband to work, I asked him, “Why do you think I haven’t lost any weight?” He talked about calories and whatnot, and then he said, “You obviously are expecting to lose weight as a result of what you are eating.” Indignantly, I reminded him, “But I’m not. It’s not about losing weight.” And then a bit later after he said that homeostasis word again, I said, “I’m fine with homeostasis. I just want homeostasis at 140 pounds instead of 160.” and that revealed again that yes, in fact I was expecting to lose weight.
I guess it was because not a whole lot changed about my eating during the month of March. I mean, I was still on my Lent fast, but I weighed 164 or 162 on March 10th. That was like two months ago… I guess I thought that I would be closer to 155 or 150 by now. But again, there was this subliminal desire that I would lose weight because of my covenant. No, it might not be the primary reason anymore that I am doing all of this, but I was hoping for it as a “perk”.
Okay, so I came face to face with that realization. Being honest with myself: yes, I was hoping to lose weight… or at least, more weight.
And once I faced that then I came back to the same question… okay, so why haven’t I lost weight? Am I eating too much? Am I eating too little and then eating too much? Am I eating the “wrong” things? Am I breaking the covenant in some way and being punished? (And I’m not saying that this was a good train of thought… but, it was my train of thought nonetheless.) I really mulled over that all morning.
And then, I thought, well… why not ask God?
So I did.
Why God am I not losing weight?
I didn’t really get an answer/revelation/realization immediately, but it did come.
And it came through Pandora.
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdom’s cause
As I go from nothing to eternity.
And to be honest, I have no idea how that song tied into my next thought but somehow it did. It was like I realized that I wasn’t really cool with just a spiritual healing. I was truly expecting God to give me a physical skinniness to go with it.
It made me wonder… would I have stuck it out on the covenant this long if I had not lost a pound?
Anyway, alllllll of this rambling to come to this. I sorta realized that I needed to not lose weight for a while so that I could really realize that I am going to have to keep working at letting go of this earthly desire to lose weight. Gonna have to let go of this earthly focus on my body. Gonna have to let go of anything of this world.
I tell ya, I’m getting that concept more and more but it just might take me this entire year to come to grips with it. But, like I was thinking about the other day… it’s all about being patiently persistent until the fruit shows up. And the fruit is not outward this time, but a fruitful change of my heart.