Day 134: Back To School

I’m just gonna say it… I have been realllllly wanting to weigh myself the past few days.

I know… I know… I KNOW! It’s so utterly ridiculous that I should want to! I mean… when I really sit down and write that down it forces me to remember not so long ago when I was so beat down by the scale that my husband and I straight up threw. it. away.

Yesterday I was even trying to convince myself that it would be okay to weigh, like, just once because I never really explicitly said that I was going to add not-weighing to the covenant… you know, that I wouldn’t weigh for the rest of the year. My mind was like, “Oh you know, you just said you wanted to just not weigh all the time. You never really said ‘I’m covenanting with God to not weigh.’”

Sooooo, to make it clear to myself that there is no room for negotiation here…

God. I covenant with You to not weigh myself for the rest of the year. If I go to the doctor, I will request that they not tell me my weight. And while I’m at it God… thank you for keeping me from weighing myself the past couple of days when I was really tempted to do so. And thank you even more for helping me to see what a detriment weighing has been for me through this process and for freeing me from the “measurement” of the world, so that I can focus on your measurement of me.

Alright. There ya have it. Sealed the deal.

And here’s the cool part… I think that I have wanted to weigh because my size 12s have been… just sorta loose lately. Like, my Old Navy jeans that were my “skinny-girl jeans” are now having to be rolled on top (I sorta have this passionate dislike for belts) to keep them on me. So, I thought… “I bet that I have lost a little more weight! Oh I wish that I could know for sure… just one little weigh-in and that would be it!” Again, thank God that He kept me from it… what if I had actually gained according to the scale? The emotional fall out from that would have not been good, I’m sure.

But after deciding that this post was going to be about be explicit with God about adding the no-weigh to my covenant agreement, I thought… ya know, I do have one dress that is a size 10. I guess I could try that on to see.

It is my college graduation dress… and it’s just so classy and kind of timeless (I think… I have noooooooo clue about fashion), and the cut of it was pretty flattering for me.

And it fit!!!!

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I mean… sure it fit better in college when I was a “big 8/little 10″ instead of a “big 10/little 12″ but that’s not the point. It fit. Now why going through that process doesn’t emotionally bother me while weighing myself can send me spiraling into an abyss of depression… I. don’t. know. (Although I do think that the same process of trying on clothes in the store might not be as “emotionally easy”… even when I was skinny that process would sort of get me “down” since I don’t have a toothpick figure even when I am a size 8, but a lot of “trendy” clothes are aimed at toothpicks.)

But I do know that if trying on clothes in my closet to see if they fit ever does make me depressed then I’ll slap that on the covenant as well! I’d much rather be a happy and content person that finds my identity in Christ than a person who knows if she wears a 10 or a 12.

All the same… it sure was nice to fit into that dress. Even if just for nostalgia cause I have no idea when I will ever actually wear that dress! But it sorta… ya know… took me back to that day in school… or well, the end of the school for me. When Hope was capitalized in my soul. When Dreams were still possible. When nothing from the world could weigh me down.

And after I had taken the dress off (which, I got a little worried that I might have to go and pick my son up in the dress because it has that kind of fabric and one of those “hidden” zippers that get trapped in between seams and I was getting afraid that I would not be able to get it off!) and I had quickly put back on my t-shirt and Nike shorts (and I say quickly because the mowers came right to mow right as I was changing and even though they don’t ever peek it made me feel oogie)… I looked at myself in the mirror, and I smiled. Because at that moment…

Hope was capitalized in my soul.
My Dreams suddenly seemed all too possible.
And nothing in the world could weigh me down.