Day 115: Homeostasis

So… yeah. I haven’t lost any weight in two months. I haven’t gained any weight in two months.

I know that it’s pretty awesome to be able to say that. Well, I sorta knew but this morning my husband reminded me how awesome it was to be able to say that I have stayed the exact same weight for two months. He kept saying “Your body has found homeostasis.” And even though I have heard that word, I had to look it up. And then I read the definition and, well, I might be an English buff, but it was too complicated for a mid-afternoon-mommy-mind, so I looked it up on thesaurus.com and well, there were no other words for it, but I did remember that he said it was essentially “balance”.

Again, so. cool. to be able to say that my body is in balance!

But.

Yeah, I know… but.

But I don’t want to be in balance at 160 pounds.

And I’m afraid that this is going to be one of those posts where I just have to “keep it real”. Even though over the past week or so I have been saying how I don’t care about weight and I don’t care that I haven’t lost any weight recently… well, when it came down to it this morning when my husband weighed and told me a bit about some of his own personal weight loss goals… it turns out that I did care.

I went over to the scale and weighed myself. Wow, what a shocker (sarcasm, right there)… smack dab at 160 again.

I could feel the emotion of disappointment welling up in me. Even though I knew that I shouldn’t be disappointed. Even though I could remember instantly where I’d been. Even though. Even though. Even though.

But I was disappointed all the same.

And on the way to take my husband to work, I asked him, “Why do you think I haven’t lost any weight?” He talked about calories and whatnot, and then he said, “You obviously are expecting to lose weight as a result of what you are eating.” Indignantly, I reminded him, “But I’m not. It’s not about losing weight.” And then a bit later after he said that homeostasis word again, I said, “I’m fine with homeostasis. I just want homeostasis at 140 pounds instead of 160.” and that revealed again that yes, in fact I was expecting to lose weight.

I guess it was because not a whole lot changed about my eating during the month of March. I mean, I was still on my Lent fast, but I weighed 164 or 162 on March 10th. That was like two months ago… I guess I thought that I would be closer to 155 or 150 by now. But again, there was this subliminal desire that I would lose weight because of my covenant. No, it might not be the primary reason anymore that I am doing all of this, but I was hoping for it as a “perk”.

Okay, so I came face to face with that realization. Being honest with myself: yes, I was hoping to lose weight… or at least, more weight.

And once I faced that then I came back to the same question… okay, so why haven’t I lost weight? Am I eating too much? Am I eating too little and then eating too much? Am I eating the “wrong” things? Am I breaking the covenant in some way and being punished? (And I’m not saying that this was a good train of thought… but, it was my train of thought nonetheless.) I really mulled over that all morning.

And then, I thought, well… why not ask God?

So I did.

Why God am I not losing weight?

I didn’t really get an answer/revelation/realization immediately, but it did come.

And it came through Pandora.

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Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdom’s cause
As I go from nothing to eternity.

And to be honest, I have no idea how that song tied into my next thought but somehow it did. It was like I realized that I wasn’t really cool with just a spiritual healing. I was truly expecting God to give me a physical skinniness to go with it.

It made me wonder… would I have stuck it out on the covenant this long if I had not lost a pound?

Anyway, alllllll of this rambling to come to this. I sorta realized that I needed to not lose weight for a while so that I could really realize that I am going to have to keep working at letting go of this earthly desire to lose weight. Gonna have to let go of this earthly focus on my body. Gonna have to let go of anything of this world.

I tell ya, I’m getting that concept more and more but it just might take me this entire year to come to grips with it. But, like I was thinking about the other day… it’s all about being patiently persistent until the fruit shows up. And the fruit is not outward this time, but a fruitful change of my heart.

Day Ninety-Two: Taste Test

I gave myself one tiny exception in this covenant that “allows” me to have sugar… when my oldest son makes something or is terribly excited about something and wants me to taste it, then a) I try to do my best to avoid eating it if possible (like waiting until he turns away and hiding it), or b) if I can’t avoid it then I will take a tiny bite and that seems to appease him.

Well, most of these situations have been cookies or sugary candy and I think he’s only cornered me once or twice where I was “forced” to eat it… but last week he had a piece of peanut butter and chocolate from his Easter egg hunt at school and he desperately wanted me to have a bite. I just love his giving attitude and I want him to practice it as much as possible so I took the piece. Well, he stood there grinning and wide-eyed watching and waiting for me to eat it. I realized that I could not avoid it, so I took a teeeeeeeeny bite, gave him a big grin, and said, “Oh wow! Thank you so much for sharing that with me!” and watched him giggle happily and walk off.

And then… I became very, very angry.

Because that chocolate was totally lame.

And I don’t mean lame in the sense that it wasn’t a good piece, but lame in the sense that it was so totally disappointing! And I was so angry because that dadgum chocolate stuff had held me captive for sooooooooo long, and as it turns out… it was LAME.

But ya know, I think the chocolate probably did taste good… tasted as good as it always has… but I have tasted the glory of God. the peace of God. the freedom of God. And even though none of those things have ever physically touched a single taste bud on my tongue… my sense are now ninety-two days closer to the glory of eternity. And nothing, even a stolen bite of chocolate, can compare with a taste of eternity.

Taste and see that the LORD is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him! Psalm 34:8

Day Fifty-Eight: Haters Gonna Hate

I’ll admit it. I’m a hater.

(A hater is slang for someone that isn’t happy for someone else’s successes.)

I have been hatin on skinny girls for years. Them walking around in their jeggings, high heeled riding boots, snug little top.

And oh how the assumptions have piled up about them:
• they work out everyday, multiple times a day
• they never eat anything except lettuce
• they all have maids so that they have time to work out
• most of them are secretly on speed
• because they are always starving they are mean, miserable, and judgmental (oh the irony of that one)
• they look at me and either feel sorry for me being fat or have decided that I’m disgusting and lazy

Yeah. I know. Those are nasty mean thoughts. And… they aren’t true. They are ridiculous thoughts actually. They are judgmental thoughts. They are revealing thoughts. Because they reveal a lot about me.

Those thoughts are a coping mechanism for me. Cause if the skinny girls are miserable and I’m not- then I must be better than them even if my body is less attractive.

But then as I stop and think about the pain I have felt over the years, the burden of my addiction to food, the crushing disappointment of not being chosen, of not fitting into the same kind of outfit as everyone else, of… of… of… well, of so many things… as I stop and think about the life of a food addict, then maybe the skinny girls do have it figured out. At least more than I give them credit for.

Yes, I know that oftentimes skinny girls have to fight and rail against every calorie, but I have been around my brother (not that he is a skinny girl, haha, but he is an extremely fit guy) to know that there are those that just… don’t care about food. I mean, they enjoy it, but they don’t deal with having an addiction to food, being “attracted” to food, neeeeeeeeeding food. It’s a much better deal.

Anyway, I guess my thing is, yet again with this covenant to rid myself of my addiction to food, I see how much more I need to deal with.

So, skinny girls… sorry for the judgment over the years. And if you are one of those that isn’t under the magnetic pull of food, then, well, I hope to be one of you someday.

And God helping me, I will.