Day 774: I’m In The Parking Lot Of RaceTrac

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I almost never post on Saturdays and I can assure you that this will be a super short post (because I’m on my way to hang out with my old roommate)!

But here’s what just happened.

{Oh wait, small background if you are just jumping in… I recently began reading and applying the principles from a book called Intuitive Eating upon realizing that I had some disordered eating issues. In a nutshell, you stop dieting altogether •STICK WITH ME• in an effort to free yourself from the cycle of bingeing.}

So, one of the things is that you get a chance to “rediscover” food, your responses to it, your likes and dislikes… instead of viewing everything through the eyes of a dieter.

Okay. Well.

I just ran into Race Trac to grab a soda and I saw all the candy lined up there and thought “Ooooo, I can have some since I’m not on a diet anymore!”

I saw a Twix bar and thought “That’s usually one of my favs…” {And then this is the kicker!} “…but they never taste as good as I think they’re going to. Meh. I think I’ll pass and wait for some reallllllly good chocolate another time.”

Holy.
Freaking.
Moly.

Can I just tell you the last time that I passed up on a candy bar because I wanted to?!?!

Uhhhhhhhhhh, yeah… NEVER.

So look. Here’s the deal. Am I perfectly healed?

No.

Am I moving in that direction?

Yes.

And basically I just wanted to write this quick blurb and encourage you- if you struggle with binge eating or compulsive eating… seriously look into this book. It might be just the thing you need.

Day 771: The Question Of The Ages

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I have come across the question of the ages…

You might think that it’s “How do we obtain world peace?”

Nope.

Or “What came first, the chicken or the egg?”

Nah.

How about “Why don’t men replace the toilet paper roll when it’s all gone?”

Okay, well, that is a close one… but still not it.

The question of the ages is this:

Why do we go on diets?

I mean, instead of just doing this whole Intuitive Eating thing? And just eating when we’re hungry and eating what we’re craving… why diet?

Okay, yes, I know the obvious…  we go on diets to lose weight.

But I mean, why are we so pushy? So… rushed with them?

Because of time.

You have a reunion coming up at which all of your childhood buddies will be there.
You are going to be in a wedding in a few months at which a photographer with a very high resolution camera will come and take LOTS of pictures of you wearing a (very likely) extremely unflattering dress.
You gained twenty pounds over the winter and the warm weather is coming and you won’t be able to wear any of your spring clothes.

THAT is why we diet. Otherwise, we’d probably be more comfortable taking it a little slower. Being a little more “real” about it. But we care so. very. much. about our appearances so we rush about and restrict ourselves and guilt ourselves and hate ourselves and then love ourselves and then hate ourselves again and we are just… miserable.

And while I will openly confess that I am terrified that the warm weather is coming close to me and I quite literally cannot fit into any of my shorts or capris… over the past few days that I’ve embarked upon this new path with food (Intuitive Eating) I have fully enjoyed living without guilt and self-loathing and anger and frustration and fear (well, there’s been a little bit of fear, I’ll admit that…).

In lieu of those feelings I’ve had some pretty cool conversations with myself:

January, your childhood buddies will love you and your laugh and your smile and your jokes and your stories no matter your size.
January, no one is going to care about the pictures of you in that bridesmaid dress. The bride will only look at herself every time anyway. (Besides, no one looks good in a bridesmaid dress.)
January, you can just go to Goodwill and drop $20 for a “new wardrobe” until your weight has gone back down a bit. You’d spend $20 at Target in a snap anyway; it’s no big deal.

I’ve been able to tell myself wonderful, uplifting things instead of constantly “You shouldn’t eat that” and “Why did you eat that?” and “Great, now you’ll be a fat lard for summer.”

I’ve been able to say…

You are loved.

Tell yourself that right now… regardless of what “issues” in your life make you feel the opposite… close your eyes for just a moment and tell yourself ten times… slowly, emphatically. Speak it into your soul. Ask God to say it to you.

You are loved.

God, you are a God of compassion and mercy, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness. Psalm 86:15

 

Day 769: THE Thing That Is Ruining My Dieting And Weight Loss Efforts

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Okay, so it’s time for the “big reveal” from my terrible/terribly mean cliff hanger at the end of my post on Thursday.

I have finally discovered something: after yearrrrrrrrs of dieting and failing, dieting and failing, and dieting and failing… I have figured out what to blame!

Like I wrote about on Friday, Day 765: Why I Really, Truly, Honestly Started The 7 Fast, I had finally come to a point where I was starting to eat with balance… and I was beginning to feel at peace with food. All food. But then I decided to do a “7 Fast” (for all the wrong reasons, unfortunately) and before I started the fast I went on a total binge-fest! So, I decided to start the fast early… mainly to stop myself bingeing.

And that got me thinking: basically my life has consisted of the cycle of bingeing, dieting, bingeing, dieting, repeat, repeat, repeat. For as long as I can remember there was never a time where I just… ate. I have always been at polar ends of the spectrum.

And THAT got me thinking:

What’s causing these binges?

The answer was not exactly what I wanted to hear…

My DIETING was causing me to BINGE eat! Holy Moly! It was so obvious and yet I have missed it for yearrrrrrrs. Seriously though (and ironically), my DIETING is what was keeping me from losing weight, keeping me from having peace with food, keeping me from just eating to live.

I mean, think about it… every time you are going to go on a diet you go through what the authors of Intuitive Eating call “Last Supper” eating. You act like you’re never going to see these foods again and so you’d better just have at it! I think of it as “Fat Tuesday Mentality”. It’s like we think:

“Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we DIEt.”

Honestly, that’s exactly where my thoughts ended. I realized it and then that was it – no changes in my life or anything. Until I finally picked up the book that my best friend/counselor recommended: Intuitive Eating. I’m reading through it now and it’s already rocking my boat… in a good way.

I’m going to enjoy sharing some of the things I’m learning, although I have to warn you… it’s a bit of a divergence from what I’ve typically touted on here at The Covenant Diet. So, I remind you…

We are on this journey together.

Although I lost at boat load of weight following the eating plan you see in the menu above, I also started to gain it back as soon as I “went off” of it. When I started this journey, I didn’t ask for God to make me lose weight… I asked Him to help me be FREE FROM THE PULL OF FOOD.

And even though it might seem like a suuuuuuuuper round about way, I believe that He is leading me, guiding me, forcing me into learning how to find just that.

Day 765: Why I Really, Truly, Honestly Started The 7 Fast

Supposedly.

I’m supposed to be a Pinterest Perfect mother.
I’m supposed to run 5 times a week.
I’m supposed to cook gourmet cuisine every night in my kitchen.
I’m supposed to volunteer at my kids’ schools every week.
I’m supposed to write and manage a fun, trendy, cute blog.
I’m supposed to keep my figure slim and rocket hot.
I’m supposed to…
I’m supposed to…

I’m supposed to.

Most of the time I’m an open book about the things that I’m not doing that I am “supposed” to be doing. I mean, we live in an awesome age where it’s okay, even cool, to be “real”. And that’s the whole reason I created this blog… was to be real with myself and my family and my friends about what I was eating.

But ya know what happened?

My blog got kinda popular.
I started to get, like, a lot of followers.
It felt like people around me were… watching.
Watching and waiting for me to mess up.

And I felt the need to keep up this “everything is great” face sometimes… because otherwise people might not still “believe” in my blog, or they might think I was an internet fake, or… or… or…

But then I gained twenty pounds… in five months.

And I’ll tell ya. You can fake a lot of things but you can’t hide weight gain. Oh, the shame I started to feel. I was like Icarus… I flew so high but now I was falling back down to earth. I was gaining it all back. And fast. I started to decline invitations to go places. I started to search for leggings and long flowy tops to at least attempt to hide it.

And ya know, gaining weight back: it was supposed to really motivate me to get a hold of things, to really buckle down, to make myself change.

And ya know, it kind of did. I started to focus more on balance in my life. I would allow myself to eat a bite of chocolate here or there. I wouldn’t let a binge get me down.

I was starting to feel a bit of peace about this whole food thing.

But then I decided to read this book called 7 (which is awesome and before we go any further allow me to explicitly state: I am not bashing the book) and the first month you do a fast. I chose to only eat the 7 foods (well, I chose ten actually) that Jen Hatmaker ate.

Well, in anticipation of going on this fast, I did what every person would do who struggles with food and binge eating…

I ate everything in the house.

If it was sugar, I wanted it. If it was pizza, I devoured it. If it was bread, or pasta, or a burger, or tacos, or fast food… I was going to get it.

So, realizing that if I kept this up for another week I’d gain another ten pounds, I got all gung ho and started the fast a week early. The first week was awesome! {See my rosy-cheeked post about it on Day 749}

But it backfired.

I started to make a bunch of little allowances (“Oh, I can eat carrots because they’re healthy” and “Well, I can’t say ‘no’ to a piece of cake at Nanny’s house) and then it just sorta crumbled and turned into me saying “Why still fake it? I’m not doing the fast at all anyway.” which turned into “Well, if I’m not fasting then I’m just going to binge, binge, binge.”

Cause I can’t control this.
Cause I’m out of control.
Cause something is wrong with me.

That’s how I felt.

And why?

Why did it all fall apart on me?

Because… I didn’t do that first month of the 7 Fast for God. I didn’t do it to help me understand better the plight of the poor. I didn’t do it for anyone other than myself.

{Alert: Confession coming…}

I did the fast to lose weight.

All because of this one little phrase in Hatmaker’s book from Day 21…

“Do you know what happened this month? After eating only whole foods and virtually no fast food, my pants are falling off.”

I remember almost being disappointed when I read it because I knew… I knew instantly that my motivation had changed from desiring to focus on Him to desiring to focus on me and finally getting my re-gained weight off.

And that simply wasn’t enough of a motivator to keep me going. Doing a fast, under the pretense of doing it to get closer to Jesus, so that I could lose weight? Ick. It just felt wrong…

So, needless to say. I just stopped. I realized that going through the cycle was just making me sicker and sicker emotionally and mentally and spiritually. Best to stop the fast than to be sick at heart.

And stopping allowed me to look again at my motivation… and to see yet another connection in this journey. I think I’m starting to realize what is sabotaging me. What is ruining me.

But… that’s a post for another day.

{I know, sorry… that was just the worst and meanest “cliff hanger” ever! But honestly it mainly because this post is already reallllllly long and that post is gonna take another chunk of time! Look for it… realistically, on Monday!}

I’m not sure that this post is really spiritually helpful for anyone else, but in a way, I think this part of my journey will prove to be integral to my eventual healing and I wanted it documented. So, thanks for indulging me!

Day 763: Ten Things To Do INSTEAD Of Eating

I find myself often eating when I am bored or procrastinating (among lots of other reasons I eat aside from, ya know, hunger). And so today I wrote this on Facebook and twitter

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Then I actually saw my own tweet and took my own advice and cleaned out my bathroom drawer (while my preschooler was taking his bath) and a shelf in a linen closet that, ironically, has zero linens in it! Haha!

I thought it might be helpful to me, and hopefully you too, if I had a list of things that I could reference when all I could do was think about those Big & Chewy Granola bars in the pantry.

So, here ya go!

 

1. Clean Out A Closet – I am finding this very cathartic. It accomplishes something and usually gets you out of the kitchen!

 

2. Write A Letter – Especially if you have an older person in your life that lives in a nursing home… they love “real” mail!

3. Do Some Yoga or Other Physical Activity – I love yoga cause I can do it easily in my home pretty much anywhere, but even going for a walk, hopping on a treadmill, or doing some jumping jacks would be great!

4. Take A Bubble Bath – Yes, they still do make Calgon, so let it take you away… from the kitchen, that is! It’s a great way to relax and get clean!

5. Put On Some Music And Dance! – This is one of my personal favorites! I find a station on Pandora and then just crank it up and get my groove on. (Black Eyed Peas is my personal fav station)

6. Read A Book or Magazine - Rarely do I have time to pull my eyes away from my kids for more than a few moments, but even flipping through the IKEA catalog can give me a brain break from dwelling on chocolate.

7. Give Yourself A Makeover, Paint Your Toes, or Play “Dress Up” - If you’re like me and only put on makeup twice a week (at most) then this would be a special treat and can be kind of fun. Or if you aren’t into the makeup thing, then try on a few “fancy pants” outfits.

8. Memorize Useless (or Helpful) Facts, Scriptures, or Quotes - Snapple caps have a ton of those useless facts (my brother has pretty much all of them memorized), but it can also be neat to memorize a scripture that helps you when you are down and out so that you’ve got it at the ready!

9. Play! - Finger paint, color, bounce the basketball, ride your bike, jump rope. Do something a little childlike… it feels goofy at first but most of the time we tend to slip right back into our little selves.

10. Plan A Vacation – This is kind of like dreaming for some of us, but sit down with a pen and pad and dream out a vacation… who knows, if you win the lottery or get a huge bonus, then you’ll already have a planned vaca all ready!

Day 762: Maybe God’s Not Done

There is always a lesson.

In every heartache, in every delay, in every disappointment.

There is a lesson we can learn.

A lot of times we don’t want to learn that lesson. Or at least we want to say, “Show me something new God… but, just not this way.” We don’t want to admit that His Way of teaching us is the most perfect way… even when it hurts. even when it takes forever. even when it keeps us from the very thing we so desperately want.

Yeah. So I know all that yet I still find myself frustrated, depressed, and downright angry whenever God makes me learn a lesson His Way. So, I continue to turn to Him, like I did in my prayer on Friday.

At my wits end, I turn to Him.

And I as I start to try to see things His way, I start to see a semblance of the lesson He is working in me.

Maybe… maybe I did that first year of covenant for God to show me that He can do miracles in my life. For Him to show me that He cared. For Him to show me that His Ways are so much better than mine.

And maybe…

maybe He’s not done yet.

I mean, maybe He wants to show me even more through this struggle with food… through this addiction to the very thing that keeps me alive and yet is killing me at the same time. Maybe He wants me to see that He is powerful enough within me to conquer my issues with food. That He has the strength to enable me to overcome these issues and develop a healthy relationship with food.

Maybe… yeah, maybe God wants more for me than I even want for myself.

Maybe He’s just not done yet.

And if that’s the case, maybe I’m not done with me either.

Maybe God's Not Done Yet

Day 759: A Prayer

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God,

I feel this struggle with food pulling me… toward some epiphany about You, your power, your plan.

But, honestly, this whole experience hurts and I’m tired. I just want to give up and try a bunch of short cuts to just lose weight. I just want to be skinny, fit into my clothes, and never worry about food or fight with food or lust for food.

So I come to You.

Oh God- Refresh me. Renew me. Give me a fresh and new purpose and passion to care for this body you’ve given me. Help me remember that it is an honor to You when I honor my body.

And please God, give me wisdom. Whisper in my ear what to do, which way to go. Guide me to information that will help me overcome. Light it up in my heart so that I might become determined and disciplined once more.

I know that You always have great, amazing and sometimes shocking plans and I know that I often don’t see the entirety of your plan. Help me to walk in faith and know that even through this struggle you are working a miracle of faith in my heart, that you are laying a path for a future prosperity in my soul, that you are doing something purposeful.

God, I love you. I trust you. I believe you.

I will wait.

Give me patience to wait on You and Your plan.

Amen.

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Day 752: Never Too Far Gone

The good people over at Proverbs 31 Ministries shared this on their Facebook page this morning and I just had to pass it on. If there is any message we should think about moment by moment, it is this one.

You’ve never gone too far that God can’t redeem you, restore you, forgive you, and give you a second chance.
- Lysa Terkerst

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Day 751: I’m A User, Baby

I’m on day four of my 7 Fast, and I just have to confess that I am really, oddly enough, enjoying it. It’s so… simple. There’s not a lot to think about in regards to food.  So, as I looked at my list I thought about Jen Hatmaker‘s thoughts in the book, 7, as she embarked upon only eating 7 foods for a month. She just went on and on about food.

I mean, she didn’t really veil it.

Jen Hatmaker loves food.

I said to myself, “Yeah. I love food too.”

But then I really thought about it: No. Actually, I don’t ‘love’ food. I mean, I enjoy it but I don’t like cooking. I enjoy going out to eat, but it’s not like a “have to”. I could eat Chick-fil-a every day of the week for every meal and not get bored. Peanut butter and jelly for lunch every single flipping day? No prob here. Now, chocolate, I really do love a good, decadent piece of chocolate. But food… it’s whatev.

So why in the heck do I eat so much of it?!?!?

Because. I don’t love food.

I use food.

The Covenant Diet - I'm A User, Baby

Photo cred: LegalJuice.com

I use it to nourish myself, sure. But I use it for a gazillion different reasons too.

I use food to comfort myself.
I use food to procrastinate doing chores.
I use food to give myself a treat.
I use food to make me feel better when I’m sick.
I use food when I’m bored.
I use food to help me forget.
I use food to escape.
I use food.

And I am reminded that this is the entire goal of this journey. Not to lose weight. Not to be healthy. The goal of this journey is to switch from using food for all of those things and to start using God instead.

God, when I open my life like a book, I see all the areas where there are small holes designed to perfectly fit you inside. But I see that I have filled those empty spots with food. And it’s so ingrained in my daily way of life that I’m having difficulty throwing out the food and replacing it with You. Help me, God. Help me to throw all of my energy into focusing on You. into using You to fill the emptiness inside of me. You are the only one that can and You are the only one that I want to. Amen.

Day 745: I Am Just Like Justin Bieber

I’m not so sure that I would recognize Justin Bieber’s voice or one of his songs if it came on the radio right now.

I really think I only knew even a little about him because my husband teaches guitar and sometimes sweet precious little preteens come in wanting to cover their favorite song.

Admittedly, I even misspelled his name just now as Beiber (shoulda remembered my i before e rule).

But whenever his name started to splash across my facebook about his arrest and his mug shot, I have to admit that I felt terrible for him.

Uhhhhhh, but January, he has, like millions of dollars. Why on earth would you feel sorry for someone who has millions of dollars???

I know.

I know.

Maybe it’s the perpetual high school teacher in me. Maybe it was Jon Acuff’s post about him yesterday. Maybe it’s just that when I look at his mug shot I see a kid… a kid.

Justin Bieber Mug ShotI mean, only a kid wouldn’t know to NOT smile in a mug shot. But look at him in his profile shot. I mean, if that were your kid… he looks so… gosh, I don’t even know the word for that expression. Lost? Confused? Hurt? Terrified?

Empty.

But when I read this article in The Atlantic this morning, I felt like I understood that kid in a new way. And it was just in this one sentence:

They can’t mess up.

Gosh.

That’s it.

I mean, really… think about it for a sec. Don’t you ever feel that way? feel that pressure? Have you ever told yourself, “I can’t. I just can’t mess up. I just cannot go wrong again.”

It starts to crush your soul a little bit each time you have to say it to yourself.

And then it obliterates a part of you whenever you fail yourself… again.

And you and I don’t have the paparazzi watching and photographing and videoing our every. single. move. Documenting every mess up. every slip. every time we simply just didn’t meet someone else’s standard. We don’t have exec’s whose billion dollar enterprise hangs on our every moment.

Can we even imagine that life?

So often that’s how we feel about God. We have this weird idea that He’s up in heaven just ticking away each mess up. Filing away a pic of every time we sin. Shaking His holy head and pursing His lips saying “Why should I even be surprised?”

But here’s the deal…

He’s not doing that.

God is not the paparazzi hoping that you’ll make a mistake. God isn’t even like your agent who needs you to do it all perfect so that you keep your status. God is like a perfect parent… He just wants to love you, to be with you, to help you up when you stumble, to guide you to make decisions that will help you feel at peace and content with this world.

So, even though it seems weird, we are all like Justin Bieber: we don’t WANT to mess up. we think we CAN’T mess up. but we DO mess up.

But we don’t have to respond the same way. Because our God: His plan doesn’t hinge on our actions. His salvation for us doesn’t depend upon our success. His love has nothing to do with how well we sing, dance, talk, or act.

He truly loves us just as we are.

And He loves us just as much despite all that we aren’t.