Day 475: Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Not sure why anyone would click on a post with a title like that! Ha! I don’t know if you can really tell from my posts, but usually I’m a pretty positive person. I like being happy. I like being supportive. I like being content.

But on Saturday… I was a WRECK.

And I mean… a WRECK. Like, to the point where I was looking up things on my phone like “How can you tell the difference between dissatisfaction and depression” kind of a wreck. I texted my friend Christie and told her, “I feel… buried… by my life.” I posted on my bible study for moms’ facebook page: “Some days… I miss myself.”

It was a bad, bad day.

Like, a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Hmmmmm, I bet that would make a great children’s book title.

Nah.

Anyway, I fought the sadness all morning. I looked at scriptures. I tried to be productive and “change” things (like doing the dishes and laundry and making my environment more peaceful). I took a shower. I tried spending a lot of time outside. I tried napping (yeah, the toddler twarted that plan about five minutes after I’d lain down).

I mean… nothing was making me feel better. And it was the third time this week that it happened, so I’ll admit that I was genuinely concerned for myself.

{It didn’t occur to me until this morning that it could be because I have had meat several times this week. I sorta wonder if that was jacking with my hormones because of all the… hormones they put in that stuff. But that is a post for another day.}

And eventually I just folded.

I hate ate some cookie dough. (And in case you were wondering, I accidentally wrote the word “hate” first! Freudian slip, I guess.)

And some mini m&ms.

I know that right now I’m supposed to tell you that it didn’t help. that I didn’t feel better. that I felt worse.

But, honestly, I did feel better. I’m not sure if it has any tie whatsoever to me eating chocolate… in fact, I doubt that it has any tie to that; however, I didn’t feel so despairing. I mean, I felt a little bad that I had gone against the covenant that I made with God, but I wasn’t heinously depressed. I got the boys to bed and crashed (well, until my toddler woke me up the next morning at 4:15am which led to me being awake enough to write Day 474: I’m On A Diet.)

And of course I woke up yesterday morning bright eyed and cheery! Made myself a smoothie. Made oatmeal for my boys. Played outside on the trampoline and with figurines all morning. It was great. Had soup for lunch. Some granola in the afternoon with my kids after we’d played outside again for quite a while on the trampoline and we made our own little waterpark with our fort slide and the little pool (here’s our youtube vid if you want to see it)! I made a vegan dinner and resisted putting feta all over it. We even picked up the house at the end of the day and my kitchen was all pretty and clean… clean enough for me to even post a pic of it on my instagram!

{My yummy smoothie… well, after my son ate half of it!}

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Now, I find myself needing to deal with the situation though.

But at the same time… I’m like, what? what “situation”? You sinned. You’ve admitted that you sinned. You’ve already fixed the problem and followed the covenant again today. You’ve asked for forgiveness.

Well, no. Not really. I haven’t.

And again let me say that the sin that I’m guilty of committing is not that of eating sugar (I don’t think that eating sugar is a sin, just for the record). My sin was my pride. my deliberately ignoring the will and call of God. making myself more important than Him. smarter than Him.

Yep. Now I’m feeling that conscience. that Holy Spirit working around in me.

Ya know, though, that’s okay. That’s what I’m supposed to feel. I’m supposed to “Let the Holy Spirit guide my life. Then I won’t do what the sinful nature craves.” (Galatians 5:16)

I’ll admit that there were multiple times yesterday where I prayed “Holy Spirit… guide me. Guide me right to a good decision!” And it worked! A friend of mine posted a note that she found that her mother had written on years ago (her mom has since gone on to Jesus’s land) and it said: “The Word is spirit and life.” and wow… just seeing that yesterday, well, it made me burst into tears… it was just the words I needed to hear. The Word is one way I get a chance to hear the heart of God. And throughout this past year and a half, that is what has reigned me in. revitalized me. guided me.

The Word.

Holy Spirit, God, Jesus… guide me back to the Word in my life. Make me crave the Word. Cause if I crave The Word then I won’t do what the sinful nature craves because I’ll be craving the things of God.

And those things are pretty dern spiritually yummy!

{My vegan dinner without feta… }

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Day 134: Back To School

I’m just gonna say it… I have been realllllly wanting to weigh myself the past few days.

I know… I know… I KNOW! It’s so utterly ridiculous that I should want to! I mean… when I really sit down and write that down it forces me to remember not so long ago when I was so beat down by the scale that my husband and I straight up threw. it. away.

Yesterday I was even trying to convince myself that it would be okay to weigh, like, just once because I never really explicitly said that I was going to add not-weighing to the covenant… you know, that I wouldn’t weigh for the rest of the year. My mind was like, “Oh you know, you just said you wanted to just not weigh all the time. You never really said ‘I’m covenanting with God to not weigh.’”

Sooooo, to make it clear to myself that there is no room for negotiation here…

God. I covenant with You to not weigh myself for the rest of the year. If I go to the doctor, I will request that they not tell me my weight. And while I’m at it God… thank you for keeping me from weighing myself the past couple of days when I was really tempted to do so. And thank you even more for helping me to see what a detriment weighing has been for me through this process and for freeing me from the “measurement” of the world, so that I can focus on your measurement of me.

Alright. There ya have it. Sealed the deal.

And here’s the cool part… I think that I have wanted to weigh because my size 12s have been… just sorta loose lately. Like, my Old Navy jeans that were my “skinny-girl jeans” are now having to be rolled on top (I sorta have this passionate dislike for belts) to keep them on me. So, I thought… “I bet that I have lost a little more weight! Oh I wish that I could know for sure… just one little weigh-in and that would be it!” Again, thank God that He kept me from it… what if I had actually gained according to the scale? The emotional fall out from that would have not been good, I’m sure.

But after deciding that this post was going to be about be explicit with God about adding the no-weigh to my covenant agreement, I thought… ya know, I do have one dress that is a size 10. I guess I could try that on to see.

It is my college graduation dress… and it’s just so classy and kind of timeless (I think… I have noooooooo clue about fashion), and the cut of it was pretty flattering for me.

And it fit!!!!

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I mean… sure it fit better in college when I was a “big 8/little 10″ instead of a “big 10/little 12″ but that’s not the point. It fit. Now why going through that process doesn’t emotionally bother me while weighing myself can send me spiraling into an abyss of depression… I. don’t. know. (Although I do think that the same process of trying on clothes in the store might not be as “emotionally easy”… even when I was skinny that process would sort of get me “down” since I don’t have a toothpick figure even when I am a size 8, but a lot of “trendy” clothes are aimed at toothpicks.)

But I do know that if trying on clothes in my closet to see if they fit ever does make me depressed then I’ll slap that on the covenant as well! I’d much rather be a happy and content person that finds my identity in Christ than a person who knows if she wears a 10 or a 12.

All the same… it sure was nice to fit into that dress. Even if just for nostalgia cause I have no idea when I will ever actually wear that dress! But it sorta… ya know… took me back to that day in school… or well, the end of the school for me. When Hope was capitalized in my soul. When Dreams were still possible. When nothing from the world could weigh me down.

And after I had taken the dress off (which, I got a little worried that I might have to go and pick my son up in the dress because it has that kind of fabric and one of those “hidden” zippers that get trapped in between seams and I was getting afraid that I would not be able to get it off!) and I had quickly put back on my t-shirt and Nike shorts (and I say quickly because the mowers came right to mow right as I was changing and even though they don’t ever peek it made me feel oogie)… I looked at myself in the mirror, and I smiled. Because at that moment…

Hope was capitalized in my soul.
My Dreams suddenly seemed all too possible.
And nothing in the world could weigh me down.

Day Twenty-Five: Weighing Me Down

New addendum to my covenant: I’m not going to weigh myself anymore. Not until January 1, 2013. That process has got or be just as bad for me as chocolate.

When I weigh myself I have two responses:
1. Elation- if I lose as much as I hope or want then I’m so excited. And then there are two more responses that stem from this:

motivation- I get all pumped and do great for a few days “watching” what I eat.

overconfidence- I get so pumped that I feel like I don’t need to pay so much attention and I might let a few things “slip” in my diet cause I’m doing such a great job.

2. Depression- if I don’t lose as much as I want or hope then I feel bad about myself. I allow it to affect the way I view myself, and that, in turn, causes me to respond almost the same way:

motivation- I get all bummed out and do great for a few days “watching” what I eat so that I won’t feel bad again the next time.

underconfidence- I get so depressed that I didn’t do well enough and feel like I might as well give up.

And this is the kind of thing that I have done time and time again on diets. And I don’t want to diet anymore.

You see, each of those responses are… just that. Responses. I don’t want to respond to my weight. I don’t want to care about my weight. I only want to retrain my mind to make decisions based on what will glorify God. What will please Him.

And since I have been weighing, my mind is focused on my weight. On what that scale says. Not on the things of God. Not on His renewal of my heart and mind.

So, no more weighing in and no more being weighed down!