Day Ninety-Three: Fallen And Forgiven

Well… here I am again. Humbled. Contrite. Subdued. But most importantly… I am forgiven.

We had a little birthday party for my mom last night, and oh… I was a champ! I made mozzarella sticks, creamy chive and chicken pasta, orange maple glazed carrots and sweet potatoes, dilly green beans and red potatoes, cheese filled garlic bread sticks, cheesecake, and ice cream. I ate the sweet potatoes, carrots, and the green beans and red potatoes. I was so happy that I had done well! I had chosen what was BEST!

Annnnnnnnnnd then today happened.

I woke up feeling poorly and I’m supposed to leave tomorrow on my first retreat (as in, I have not gone off on my own since 2007)! So, I snuck a Zicam in and then we left to take my husband to work. Well, the Zicam bottle very clearly says “Don’t take on a empty stomach”, but did I read it before I took it? Noooooo, of course not. So I started to feel icky. When we got home, I was still wanting to choose what was best so I grabbed an orange. And, well, the Zicam bottle also very clearly states to not eat citrus for thirty minutes after. So at that point I was feeling really gross. I saw the mozzarella sticks in the fridge and figured they would help a bit since they were mainly cheese.

Well, I wish that was my entire thought process, but really I had been looking for an excuse to eat one all day. So, I had one. End of story!

Nope again! I had seven more. Then I ate all of the bread sticks that were in the same bag. Knowing it was gluttony. Knowing it was wrong for me. Knowing.

And then later that night: three tortillas. I had reverted. Well, if I “broke” the covenant in my heart already then what’s the point of sticking with it? Granted I never thought about going back to chocolate, but it was the. exact. same. sickness of the heart! Bread, chocolate, chips, ice cream… it didn’t matter what it was… I disobeyed the voice in my heart. I disobeyed God.

But again, I am happy that I don’t have to spiral down into a pit of sin, despair, and overeating. I can make a choice after a day like that–

  • Be like David – having sinned – and ask God to cleanse me (Psalm 51)

or…

  • Be like the Israelites and abandon myself to this idol of food… and forgo the blessings of God and embrace a life of consequence.

I may not have responded perfectly to the temptation but at least I can embrace forgiveness and move on to a new day. Am I defined as a glutton because of this one day of bread gorging? No. I am a Daughter of the King. I am a woman fallen AND forgiven. And I pray that again, God would “restore to me the joy of His salvation and make me willing to obey Him.Psalm 51:12

Day Twenty: No Comment

I have lost twelve pounds in the past few weeks. That’s a hunk of fat my friends. My jeans fit better. I am starting to eye those “skinny jeans” again. (Ironic isn’t it that what I consider my “skinny jeans” now used to be my “fat jeans”? Haha- it’s all perspective.) I feel better… seriously. I have started to figure out things like… my sugar is gonna cuh-rash in the afternoons and although for some reason my mind thinks “eat protein” what I really need is sugar. So I now eat an orange or a pear or something like that and I feel great. I guess just another example of me needing to retrain my mind.

But although I have lost twelve pounds no one has said a thing. Not a single comment of “Wow- are you losing weight?”

I bring this up NOT because I want someone to say “Wow- are you losing weight?” but because I DON’T want someone to say that. For I have recently discovered another area in which my mind and soul need some renewal.

In the past, I have gleaned so much motivation from people making comments about my weight loss. I would learn to thrive off of it.

Until… the comments stop. Ya know how it goes, you lose 10 or 15 pounds and everyone oohs and ahhs over you and then the comments start to decrease until they are gone. And with the comments goes the motivation.

See? Yet another area for renewal. That kind of dependence is placed in the wrong spot! That is dependence upon people’s opinions of me. And their love and adoration will always fail me. Yes, even my mom who is the number one person to tell me nice things about my weight or my hair or my smile… some random day when I “need” a comment she will not make one to me. And she shouldn’t need to! I shouldn’t need her comments in order to feel like I am amazing (although Mom, feel free to keep em coming if you want! Haha!).

You know why? I may be Beth Parker’s daughter on earth, but I’m an eternal princess. (Okay but I don’t mean that in some I’m-making-a-new-religion kind of way.)

I. am. the. daughter. of. THE. KING.

I am a daughter of The King Of The Universe. And He absolutely adores me.

I picture God sitting in heaven with His cheek leaning on His hand… watching me… smiling at me. Thinking how beautiful I am. Relishing in a moment when I look in the mirror and see the beauty that He sees. The inner beauty that has nothing to do with those twelve pounds. That has nothing to do with skinny jeans or fat jeans. That has nothing to do with commentary made by people.

The inner beauty of a daughter. Loved by her Father. Adored by her Father. Lavished with blessings by her Father.

So…no need to make a comment! I have all the comments from Him that I need.

See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are! 1 John 3:1

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