Day 481: Black Sabbath

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I get so optimistic about the sabbath these days.

That’s cause I actually follow the sabbath… well, I mean, I follow it… more… than I used to. I try to not do work (no laundry, no extra dishes, minimal cooking, no cleaning, etc) and I just rest and maybe even take a nap.

For the majority of the day today, my sabbath went well… according to plan. And I originally wrote out pretty much everything that happened during my sabbath that went according to plan and then realized it was all a bit tedious and only interesting to me, but needless to say, I did quite a bit of prep yesterday to make sure that the sabbath today was a day of rest.

And really… it was. it was a day of rest. a day for God. a day to remember that he saved us from slavery with his strong arm.

That was my day… for about 3/4 of it.

Then came {DUUUUUM DUMDUM DUM}… The Pizza.

My hubs and my boys really wanted pizza and we pretty much decided last time that we ordered from Domino’s that it would be our last, so I ran up to Target (without my kids… ahhhhhhhh) and snagged a few pizzas. And upon being asked what he would like, my hubs specifically said “Get one for you.” Oh, how sweet… He provided a way out for me.

So, what did I do?

I got the three-meat pizza.

For him.

And me.

Even though I thought to myself, “Get something else entirely… you aren’t even CRAVING pizza. Get what you want.”

But I didn’t.

And then I came home and GORGED on pizza and one glass of wine too many and then… AGAIN… with the cookie dough.

I mean, might as well, right?

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

And I had done so WELL earlier today. I had even resisted making myself a peanut butter and honey sandwich as an easy lunch and opted for a salad instead.

It’s just all so… so… backward.

I’m supposed to be keeping this sabbath HOLY… not indulging in all of these things that I’ve said I won’t!

And just as I said that I thought… you need to fast… like, completely, fast on the sabbath. As in NO food. Otherwise it’s a day about YOU and YOUR rest when it should be a day about HIM. It’s a day that you are to remember the horrid slavery that you were in that God rescued you from and you aren’t remembering that or celebrating that when you are eating FLIPPING COOKIE DOUGH.

Gosh guys… I hate to be Debbie Downer. Trust me… I’m looking for the positive side of me just as much as you guys are. I’m looking for that girl that was so enthralled a year ago with the Word of God. I’m looking for the girl that is who I want to be. But man, she’s hiding good… for a reason, I know.

And that’s why I’m going to bail on you now without really tying this up into a nice little bow. It’s 10:03pm and I want to get to bed so that I can get up early enough to read the Word. Forget food. Forget diets. Forget smoothies. Forget salads.

I need Jesus.

I don’t need that girl to show up again.

I need Jesus.

I need Him every day. I need Him to invade my mind. I need that strong arm. Hear me now, Jesus… I need you. I can’t get out of Egypt on my own. Come and get me Lord. Do what it takes. Burning bush. Exiled Moses. Plagues and first-borns. Come and get me.

Day 475: Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Not sure why anyone would click on a post with a title like that! Ha! I don’t know if you can really tell from my posts, but usually I’m a pretty positive person. I like being happy. I like being supportive. I like being content.

But on Saturday… I was a WRECK.

And I mean… a WRECK. Like, to the point where I was looking up things on my phone like “How can you tell the difference between dissatisfaction and depression” kind of a wreck. I texted my friend Christie and told her, “I feel… buried… by my life.” I posted on my bible study for moms’ facebook page: “Some days… I miss myself.”

It was a bad, bad day.

Like, a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Hmmmmm, I bet that would make a great children’s book title.

Nah.

Anyway, I fought the sadness all morning. I looked at scriptures. I tried to be productive and “change” things (like doing the dishes and laundry and making my environment more peaceful). I took a shower. I tried spending a lot of time outside. I tried napping (yeah, the toddler twarted that plan about five minutes after I’d lain down).

I mean… nothing was making me feel better. And it was the third time this week that it happened, so I’ll admit that I was genuinely concerned for myself.

{It didn’t occur to me until this morning that it could be because I have had meat several times this week. I sorta wonder if that was jacking with my hormones because of all the… hormones they put in that stuff. But that is a post for another day.}

And eventually I just folded.

I hate ate some cookie dough. (And in case you were wondering, I accidentally wrote the word “hate” first! Freudian slip, I guess.)

And some mini m&ms.

I know that right now I’m supposed to tell you that it didn’t help. that I didn’t feel better. that I felt worse.

But, honestly, I did feel better. I’m not sure if it has any tie whatsoever to me eating chocolate… in fact, I doubt that it has any tie to that; however, I didn’t feel so despairing. I mean, I felt a little bad that I had gone against the covenant that I made with God, but I wasn’t heinously depressed. I got the boys to bed and crashed (well, until my toddler woke me up the next morning at 4:15am which led to me being awake enough to write Day 474: I’m On A Diet.)

And of course I woke up yesterday morning bright eyed and cheery! Made myself a smoothie. Made oatmeal for my boys. Played outside on the trampoline and with figurines all morning. It was great. Had soup for lunch. Some granola in the afternoon with my kids after we’d played outside again for quite a while on the trampoline and we made our own little waterpark with our fort slide and the little pool (here’s our youtube vid if you want to see it)! I made a vegan dinner and resisted putting feta all over it. We even picked up the house at the end of the day and my kitchen was all pretty and clean… clean enough for me to even post a pic of it on my instagram!

{My yummy smoothie… well, after my son ate half of it!}

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Now, I find myself needing to deal with the situation though.

But at the same time… I’m like, what? what “situation”? You sinned. You’ve admitted that you sinned. You’ve already fixed the problem and followed the covenant again today. You’ve asked for forgiveness.

Well, no. Not really. I haven’t.

And again let me say that the sin that I’m guilty of committing is not that of eating sugar (I don’t think that eating sugar is a sin, just for the record). My sin was my pride. my deliberately ignoring the will and call of God. making myself more important than Him. smarter than Him.

Yep. Now I’m feeling that conscience. that Holy Spirit working around in me.

Ya know, though, that’s okay. That’s what I’m supposed to feel. I’m supposed to “Let the Holy Spirit guide my life. Then I won’t do what the sinful nature craves.” (Galatians 5:16)

I’ll admit that there were multiple times yesterday where I prayed “Holy Spirit… guide me. Guide me right to a good decision!” And it worked! A friend of mine posted a note that she found that her mother had written on years ago (her mom has since gone on to Jesus’s land) and it said: “The Word is spirit and life.” and wow… just seeing that yesterday, well, it made me burst into tears… it was just the words I needed to hear. The Word is one way I get a chance to hear the heart of God. And throughout this past year and a half, that is what has reigned me in. revitalized me. guided me.

The Word.

Holy Spirit, God, Jesus… guide me back to the Word in my life. Make me crave the Word. Cause if I crave The Word then I won’t do what the sinful nature craves because I’ll be craving the things of God.

And those things are pretty dern spiritually yummy!

{My vegan dinner without feta… }

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Day 376: Ugh.

(Writing this on Saturday night.)

I should be working on my lesson for tomorrow that I’m to teach to the middle school youth on evangelism.
I should try to avoid putting in titles that are depressing and lame like the word “ugh”.
I should be in bed sleeping (it’s 11:10pm).
I should get up and get myself a drink of water.
I should stop being overdramatic.

Buuuuuuuuuuuut, I’m not. Not gonna do any shoulds right now.

Cause I’m having a pity party.

Why? Cause I got all freaked out that I’m not going to be able to wear the clothes that I wore last year to my husband’s trade show because I have this little muffin top when I wear the pants. Sooooo, I went to Ross and Target looking for… I dunno. Looking for something. And well, everything looked HIDEOUS on me. And I said “You look FAT” to myself about 87 times.

And then I gave back everything that I tried on at Target and went to go get a few groceries for tomorrow and I have to walk past this.

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I mean… seriously?!?!? I was angry that the stuff even exists! Ha – like I said… pity. party.

But… well, I guess there is one silver lining here. I didn’t buy any donuts. or chocolate peanut butter cups. or ice cream. or chips. or cookies. or cakes. I said to myself, “You know those won’t fix anything” and I just moved on. Well, I took a picture of them and moved on.

And before this covenant, I woulda gotten some of these AND some ice cream AND some chocolate peanut butter cups AND probably some cookie dough just in case. But God has shown me over the past year that these things do not satisfy. They do not fulfill. They do not comfort. So, to look back and “see” myself just walking away from all this stuff is a huge blessing for me. It’s actually an answered prayer. It’s evidence that God has worked in me.

BUT.

Of course, there had to be a but. It’s a pity party post, remember?

Ya know what I found myself doing tonight?

Ugh. If my husband had just let me order a t-shirt too then I wouldn’t be worried about all this.
Ugh. If my husband had done the dishes for me then I’d be a lot less stressed out.
Ugh. If I just knew how to play an instrument then I could vent out my frustrations.
Ugh. If I had a book that I was reading then I could just pick it up right now and get lost in it.
Ugh. If I had never agreed to teach tomorrow then I could just take some benadryl and go to sleep.

Ya know what I found myself NOT doing tonight?

Sigh. Praying and thanking God for all that He’s done this year really put me back on the right track.
Sigh. Reading through Psalms just now made me feel so much more appreciative.
Sigh. Meditating on what God is: lovable, compassionate, kind, patient, powerful, faithful… really refreshed my spirit.

Nope. Because I was searching for fulfillment somewhere else. It may have not been food, but it was the exact same process. I mean, at least here, on this blog, I was able to come full circle and realize that. I think even just confessing it is a good step in the right direction. And right now I find myself thinking, “Oh I’m so glad that church is tomorrow. I just need someone else to pour some spirit refreshing words into my soul.”

But, in the meantime, I think I’m going to lay down, close my eyes, and at least do one of those “sighs” from above and mediate on what God is.

Day 372: Cathartic Cookie Dough

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Ya know when you hit rock bottom?

Like, take Lindsey Lohan’s rock bottom for example… well, sweet dear… she has had many, many rock bottoms. But, I can’t raz on her too much… I’ve had many, many rock bottoms myself. Fortunately there is not a media chain that is terribly interested in recounting every single mistake that I’ve ever made. And while we’re at it… let’s say a prayer for her. I mean, anyone that is pursuing their own personal destruction so readily must be so sad and empty inside. And she can’t escape the eyes scrutinizing her. I truly feel for her.

But anyway, the experience of hitting rock bottom is… beautiful and terrible… both at the same time.

And I mean the true rock bottom. Like, all of my other “rock bottoms” (e.g. eating an entire bag of chocolate chip cookies from Albertsons, eating an entire bag of Sam’s Choice peanut butter cups, eating an entire bag of Cool Ranch Doritos)… those were just “rock middles”. I just thought they were rock bottom.

But my rock bottom was when I truly felt completely lost. completely hopeless. completely worthless.

Ya know though… I’d felt all of those things before: lost. hopeless. worthless.

But, you see, look at the meaning and the origin for the idiom “rock bottom” from dictionary.com:

rock bottom: The lowest possible level, absolute bottom, as in Wheat prices have reached rock bottom. This idiom alludes to the presence of bedrock that prevents digging farther down.

And that is precisely what rock bottom was for me… The Presence of The Rock that prevented me from going down any further. So this time it was different because I finally moved in the direction of going up. That’s why I think it was TRULY my rock bottom. I simply could not get any lower (well, maybe I could have… but so glad I didn’t) and so the only direction to go was… up!

And, if you don’t know this story about me crying into the huge vat of cookie dough that I made, while looking up the website for Overeaters Anonymous, while continuing to eat cookie dough… I wrote it out on the page Rock Bottom, and then I referenced it on Day 21: Cookie Dough Syndrome and Day 68: Cookie Dough Success.

BUT.

God is faithful. God found me. God gave me hope. And God infused me with His Worth.

And I saw all of that come full circle last week. I made the exact same recipe of cookie dough. I wrapped and froze the same recipe of cookie dough. And on Thursday, I delivered the same recipe of cookie dough.

And I never. took. a. bite.

So it was a time to thank Him, to glorify Him, to give Him all the credit.

But I have to give my sweet boy’s sweet teachers at his preschool some credit too… they were so awesome that it made me want to make them cookie dough in the first place, and then again in the second place!

And I just couldn’t decide which pic I liked better of the three of us soooo I decided to put this one in too!
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Day 358: First Donuts… For Real

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This morning I woke up before everyone else and (honestly) my first thought was: Donut Day!

I had planned on keeping today as a “Celebration Day” of no restrictions even though it wasn’t a birthday party, national holiday, or full moon. It was more of a Celebration Day for the past year.

Only as I started to think about it… having a hamburger, maybe some cake or ice cream, a pepperoni pizza for dinner… I realized, that I actually didn’t even want those things today.

Well, wait… I wanted them but I more so wanted to keep my jeans fitting. And I realized that I would have plenty more opportunities for all of those things… so it wasn’t so vital for me to have them today. I have certainly learned over the past year that cravings come and go. That I don’t have to give in to them. That I can just eat to live.

But…… I still wanted that donut.

There were several donuts leftover from the bunch that my father-in-law brought over yesterday (see my post Day 357: First Donuts for that story), and there was a half of one of them that is my favorite: a chocolate covered “tractor wheel”, as we call it (I think our donut shop labels them as sour cream).

And so I didn’t wake anyone up… cause I was remembering my cookie dough incident that I wrote about on Day Twenty-One… this whole thing started with just me and God. alone. Well… I guess it was me and God and a huge vat of cookie dough. Anyway, I just thought it was appropriate that it be just me and God and the sugar once again.

And it was a beautiful experience… eating that half-donut. And not because it was so amazingly good (although it WAS good), but because of the celebration in my heart and the thanks to God for bringing me to this point… to the point where eating a donut was a big deal instead of just another regular ol’ day of gluttony.

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And after I finished the donut… it was just… over. I poured myself a cup of coffee and went on my way with the day. I never even thought about the fact that there was still another donut.

This is a big. deal.

For yearsssssss I would have obsessed over that donut until I would have just given in and eaten it. And today I ignored it as if it weren’t even there.

Cause it might as well have not been there. I had already decided that I was only going to have half and that God would find honor and joy in the fact that I didn’t HAVE TO have the food just because I COULD.

How far He has brought me.

I suppose I have learned a bit from God and He has renewed me enough this year to know that it would be foolish to return to the same habits.

But more importantly, this is something I have to say only God could do for me. You see, I “knew” all of this before in my mind. I “knew” I shouldn’t overeat. I “knew” I shouldn’t eat pounds of sugar. I “knew” I shouldn’t eat when I wasn’t hungry. I “knew” I shouldn’t eat what I wasn’t craving.

But it took God to renew my heart so that it wasn’t just my mind that knew those things but also my heart and soul.

Now, I truly know

And it was His wisdom that kept me from being a fool today…

    As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness. Proverbs 26:11

Day 159: Hide And Seek

Yesterday I wrote about how I’m learning to “treat” myself in ways that are not food related. And at the top of the post I had this picture…

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Well, I want to address a bit more of the whole story behind that picture.

Don’t get too excited, it’s nothing super fantabulous, but it was one of those moments that I realized after-the-fact that I have had a whole “mind renewal” that is essentially complete and I didn’t even realize it…

sneak eating.

Ya see, once upon a time, any time that my husband would leave the house… and by any time I literally mean every time he would leave the house… I would take that opportunity to sneak eat something that I would be embarrassed to eat in front of him. A bowl of cookie dough, or I’d make some chocolate icing (this was one of my favorites because there was no evidence… make the icing, put away the ingredients, eat the icing straight from the bowl, wash the bowl, do a bit of self-loathing and he’d never the the wiser), finish off the bag of Twix I got for my son’s lunch bags, and well, you get the picture.

But yesterday, I didn’t even think about eating something while he was gone. I wasn’t tempted by anything. That whole “What can I have while he’s gone?” question never entered my mind even a bit. And ya know what I did?

I took my toddler on a walk. A lonnnnnnnng walk. And I found those clouds in the pic. And I felt the sweet breeze (that felt a lot like an ocean breeze for some reason). And I raced my boy down a hill. And I relished in a big glass of water when I got home.

And it was great. There was no guilt whatsoever. Mind you, I was more worn out than my toddler I think, but it was that good kind of “satisfied” worn out. Anyway, when I was writing that post yesterday about treating myself in ways other than food, the realization that I hadn’t thought about sneak eating hit me.

Because all along, I may have been hiding those eating “sessions” from my husband, but I was never hiding them from God. I knew that He could see what I was doing, but I think I just smushed the guilt far down in my soul… haha, thinking that it wouldn’t matter then.

But God adores me, and He still tracked me down and found me.

I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night— but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. Psalm 139:7-11

And those moments were dark. dark. dark. but I could not hide from Him (thank goodness). So God, no matter how far away I try to go, please allow your hand to guide me there and your strength to support me. I love you.

Day 135: Snapple Out Of It

Last night my husband needed me to run an errand for him after my boys went down for bed. It’s kind of a good thing he asked because if it is just up to me I never want to leave when I put them down… I just want to veg out (haha… that’s never been funny to me before… but “veg” out… like be lazy and eat a lot of vegetables… haha… ha… h… no? Not that funny to everyone else… okay… hehe), but every once in a while it is good for me to get into mainstream society without anyone else. I don’t know why… maybe it just makes me feel a bit like… “me” instead of “mommy/wife/maid” which is what I kind of start to feel like the rest of the time.

So, while I was waiting for him to find the empty box of labels that he needed me to get more of, I started thinking “Ooooo, what special treat can I get for myself while I’m out???” Ya see, before when I would leave by myself at night, it was allllllways the perfect time to sneak eat something that I would never dream of eating in front of my husband: premade cookie dough (yeah, I really had an issue with cookie dough), a chocolate shake from Sonic, a candy bar, ice cream, a box of super chocolate chunk cookies… oh, there was a big ol list of things I would get. Oooooooo… one of my favs was when Walmart used to make their own chocolate peanut butter cups… they were divine. I probably would have turned diabetic lonnnnnng ago had they not stopped making those!

Okay, I digress.

I literally had to take a second and evaluate… I mean, wasn’t getting out on my own the real treat? Did I really need to get a… a something… in order for it to feel special? There was no need to sneak eat anymore… I wasn’t trying to eat anything shameful. What I could eat while out running errands I could certainly eat at home without being embarrassed.

It just reminded me again how so many of these eating habits are totally engrained within me. I wasn’t craving anything. I wasn’t hungry. I wasn’t even thinking about food. But I just haven’t been out by myself enough for the process of retraining to get any practice, so my mind (very quickly, I might add) just went right back to what it was used to.

You must live as God’s obedient children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn’t know any better then. 1 Peter 1:14

I love the way that verse puts it… I searched for “old ways” and this popped up and was just perfect… cause wanting to get a treat is like “slipping” back into old ways. It’s not a direct, purposeful “fall”… it is a slip. But my favorite part is the sass at the end “you didn’t know any better then.” Although I kind of feel like I did know better before… I didn’t really understand before the true depth of what I was doing to myself and to my soul.

But I did get myself a treat. A Diet Peach Snapple… but not one for last night… one for today (when I was supposed to take my kids to IKEA). My two year old got sick though so it’s just sitting in my fridge. But I’m kind of glad that it is… just a reminder that even a “treat” can wait. It’s just a thing of this world… it’s no biggie to have that tea last night, today, or tomorrow… or never.

And that attitude towards food… well, my friends, that. is. freedom.

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Day 120: Deserving Donuts

I was thinking a bit more on the topic of “deserving” food after my post yesterday. It is something that I can hear myself saying… to myself… deep in my subconscious. I don’t think that my consciousness would really allow me to say it anymore because, well, I have a different look now on… deserving.

Let me look at what I really deserve…

yeah. nothing.

I’m lucky that God chose to allow me into Heaven, but do I deserve it? Nope.

I’m lucky that God gave me a great husband and two wonderful children, but do I deserve them? Nope.

I’m lucky that God placed me in a beautiful, well-constructed home with fresh running clean water, but do I deserve that? Nope.

Because for every “great” thing I have done, there have been just as many moments of decrepitness in my heart. For every kindness I have shown, I have felt selfish and wronged. For every gentle moment I spend, there as has been rage and envy and jealousy.

So, for every night I have spent up with Saxon that I thought might should have “earned” me a donut as a “prize”… I have kept my husband awake with my snoring, or my tossing and turning, or my sleep talking. Do I deserve to have anything special then? No.

But so often the brownie batter, or cookie dough, or bag of Oreos, or sour cream chocolate covered donuts, or whatever that I would eat… was more pleasurable because I felt like I was “treating” myself to something that I “deserved”. But God is the one that gives us… everything. And not because we deserve it… but for a whole different purpose…

“Therefore, give the people of Israel this message from the Sovereign LORD: I am bringing you back, but not because you deserve it. I am doing it to protect my holy name, on which you brought shame while you were scattered among the nations. Ezekiel 36:22

If God chooses to bless me… it’s not because of ME… it’s because of Him. Which is really kind of cool… that means that it is not about what I do or don’t do… a blessing from Him is to protect his holy name. I actually kind of like that better… takes the pressure off of me!

So, really, whenever I do something I think is “deserving”… then I should remember this about when I will receive what I deserve for the “good” I have done…

For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body. 2 Corinthians 5:10

And really, if I have to choose between receiving a reward now in the form of a donut or in the form of an eternal blessing from GOD ALMIGHTY? Well, then, I’ll just have to pass on those donuts for today.

Day Eighty-Two: Damning Demands

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I sat down this morning before the boys woke up, cuddled up in my chair with my coffee (upgraded with a little unsweetened almond milk), and opened up my phone. I saw the Bible app on my phone (which is where I do almost all of my Bible reading these days) right next to my WordPress app.

Knowing that I was behind a day on my posting, I thought “Oh, I’d better come up with a blog topic.” But nothing immediately came to my mind. Now, mind you… this is all happening during the time that I have set aside for reading my Bible… not for blogging, but for some reason there are times when I… don’t want to. It’s usually when I have fallen behind on my reading and need to catch up several days worth (which is the case this time).

But luckily, I had no immediate thoughts of what I could write about, so I sighed and tapped open my Bible app.

I read a bit through 1 Corinthians 15, and then the next reading section was in Psalm 78… and here is what I saw:

They stubbornly tested God in their hearts, demanding the foods they craved. Psalm 78:18

Oh boy, was this ever a grab for me. Luckily the rest of my reading was in 1 Kings 6 and 7 which is all about building the temple, because my mind could not get off of that verse in Psalms. Not so much because it had the word “food” in it… although of course that is what grabbed my attention in the first place, but of the specific words and what they revealed to me about the condition of my heart pre-covenant (and sometimes the during-covenant).

I have tested God for years… not so much on purpose, but by just relying on other things to “save” me. And by thinking that being skinny was the end-all-be-all of life. As if being skinny would make all of my problems go away. To give you an example of how sick, sick, sick my heart was… there were times that I would secretly (and I mean secretly) hope for cancer so that I could be forced by chemo into losing weight. SICK! I’m so ashamed that I have ever had such thoughts, but part of this blog deal is to be open and honest. And if my cookie dough experience wasn’t enough to convince you that I needed help, then maybe that little tid bit of info might.

But the demanding part really got me as well… because I have had that kind of attitude with God for so long. As in, well, I’ll give up bread and chips and sodas… but do not ask me to give up chocolate. Seriously, cause I won’t do it.

Well, completely unbeknownst to me that it was happening, my “I won’t do it” turned into “I can’t do it”. And I found myself… not just wanting God’s help but needing it. having to have it. being unable without it.

And so, I guess this is just a reminder of how desperate my heart needed some… reconditioning.

And reconditioning it, He is.

Day Sixty-Eight: Cookie Dough Success

Yesterday I made another meal for some friends and I decided to make them some chocolate chip cookies for dessert. Last week I bought one of those tubs of Toll House cookie dough at Target to make cookies for another family and still had some left so I figured that would be an easy dessert option, plus I like that I don’t have to make 3 dozen cookies like when I make it fresh.

Anyway… sorry, I just love random and pointless details. If you don’t know me, imagine me telling a story… I take for.ev.er.

And again I digress. So, yesterday when I was making them it was this nice leisurely June Cleaver type experience (well if you don’t include the fact that I was making cookies with pre made cookie dough)… the boys were playing sweetly by themselves with toys, I was wearing an apron, the kitchen stayed clean the whole time. This was a perfect opportunity to indulge… or get lost in the moment… or to simply perfect the gloriousness of my life right then with a little snippet of cookie dough. I mean, it looked sooooo inviting. sooooo chocolate chippy. sooooo delicious!

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I didn’t do it this time (wahoo!) because I thought of my “issues” with cookie dough and of my confessional post, Cookie Dough Syndrome. I think it was kind of like having a memorial stone in my mind, having written that post.

And I was wondering just now why I was tempted yesterday when I was making the cookies but not on Wednesday when I was making them.

The main difference that I can figure out is that on Wednesday, I was rushed. It was not a June Cleaver moment. The boys were not playing sweetly. I was not wearing an apron. And the kitchen was not clean.

Honestly, I think it was that I didn’t have time to think about cookie dough on that day.

Now. I’m not saying that keeping myself busy is going to be a fix for not being tempted. Being busy is what led into a lot of my overeating- I would grab a bag of chips an chow the whole thing while I was busy being busy. Or I would not eat at all while I was busy and would then eat everything in the pantry because my that time my body needed so many things I couldn’t distinguish a craving from another craving.

At the same time, being calm and carefree isn’t the answer either. Summers should have been the time when I would lose weight… I would be so active, swim a lot, and be always out and about but as I have said before, eating for me was not about being hungry. And a big reason that I have eaten during my life was because I was bored. And… well, summer can get boring (at least before I had two kids and a husband it could)!

So again, the answer came back to this covenant. This desire to please God. Whether I thought all the way through that yesterday or not… it is now becoming a part of me, flowing just beneath the surface of me.

And again I realize how important it will be, once this year is over, to keep some kind of “food covenant” with Him for the rest of my life.

Because I don’t want this cookie dough success to turn back into a cookie dough syndrome. I want the success to be… for.ev.er.