Let Them Eat Cake

My friend at school had her birthday yesterday and another one of the teachers made her a red velvet cake… positively loaded with icing.

It looked… awesome.

And it looked… terrible.

It looked so awesome tasty and that’s what made it look terrible. It looked like a terrible turn off the path for me. I eyed that cake through most of lunch… talking about it in my mind.

I don’t have to eat it.

But it is her birthday, so you’d better have some.

Yeah, but no one will notice if you don’t eat it.

Oh, what if the girl who made it notices if I don’t eat it and she gets her feelings hurt thinking my decline means that I don’t think it will taste good?

Maybe I could slip out before she even offers it.

But, I mean, it’s just one slice.

And that’s what got me. I remembered all the times that I’ve said “just one” and then later that always turns into “Well, since I already had one then I might as well…”

But then I remembered two other times that I’ve quite successfully celebrated my own birthday without cake… when I turned 34 and when I turned 35.

So I said to myself “Ya know. It will still be Adria’s birthday even if I don’t have cake.”

Annnnnnnnd that was it.

The struggle was over. I sat through the rest of lunch, cake-less.

But also stressless. sugarless. guiltless. gluttonless.

And yet despite all that “less”, I sure was…

HopeFULL!

Day 426: Fast Fruit

Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Soooooooooooooo.

I……… ate a bunch of chocolate on Thursday.

… … …

Ugh.

It was the leftover candy from my husband’s grandfather’s 80th birthday party that did me in. (Those Twix. Oh my. Twix.)

… … …

Annnnnnnnnnnd then I ate a bunch of white chocolate covered popcorn yesterday at a baby shower at my house.

Okay, okay. And I had some punch.

Well, a lot of punch.

… … …

And. A huge slice of cake.

After everyone had left.

While my husband was in the other room.

Sure, these are small indulgences compared to a year a half ago, but I have learned that with me… and with food… there is no small indulgence.

Plus, I have this, ya know, covenant.

With GOD.

Anyway. You know how you have that moment when you really just have to come face to face with the fact that something’s not right. not working. not… yeah. just NOT working.

As I walked through the kitchen in the middle of the night after my toddler woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep on his own cause he has restless leg syndrome, poor thing, I saw the white chocolate popcorn leftover from the baby shower and thought “Ooooooo, I’m gonna get some of that and put the popcorn on my tongue so that the white chocolate is what hits first.”

At 3am.

I mean… seriously?!?!?! Does my dadgum id EVER take a break? It’s making my super-ego work overtime!

Anyway, I immediately thought to myself: fruit fast. I need to do a fruit fast.

I’ve been thinking about it lately anyway. I’ve realized that even though my covenant started out as a fast last year… it sorta just developed into a diet. I think I knew that a long time ago, but I sorta denied it to myself. I wanted it to still be holy. I wanted it to still be righteous. But, it really was… just a diet.

And I wanted to remind myself what it means to really fast. Like, fast to where it “hurts”. Fast so that I feel the sacrifice. Fast so that I long for food for nourishment instead of for one of the other zillion reasons I long for food.

So, I started a fruit fast this morning. I figured I’d go for three days. My husband’s brother and his family arrive on Thursday and I’ll probably be out of pocket pretty frequently at my in-law’s and grandparent-in-law’s where I won’t have as much control over my options. Besides, I’ve never done a fruit fast, so I wasn’t sure how it would affect me.

And holllllly moly.

I’M HUNGRY.

I was all good. I even thought around 10:00 this morning, “Oh yeah… I could so do this for way longer than three days.”

Until about… noon.

And then all I could see was everything in the fridge EXCEPT the fruit. I saw a carrot and thought “Oh my gosh, I’d love a carrot right now. or a bell pepper. or some tomatoes.” Things that I have wanted to try to avoid the past few months because they were allowed and healthy, simply because they were now “forbidden”, they suddenly became my desires. Honestly, I haven’t thought once about sugar or chocolate today… just vegetables and pasta.

And so I knew… “Oh yeah… I needed this.”

I sang some hymns.
I prayed to God.
I ate, like, 17 clementines.
I tamped down my horribly mean attitude that emerges when I am empty (well, for most of the day I did).

And I remembered… hunger.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Matthew 5:6

Day 266: Blessed Birthday

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I guess I had hoped to have something really insightful for my birthday post (I’m 34 today), but it was just such an idyllic day that I’m not sure that there is anything really deep and spiritual to write about.

But maybe that in an of itself is a blessing.

I mean… it was a wonderful day… without birthday cake.

Yep. That’s right. No birthday cake. Oh, I mean, we had a little birthday cake for my sons (thanks to a friend-family who sent some mini bundt cakes for my fam and some sushi for me!) and so we got to celebrate by having them sing with me and blow out candles. My sweet hubby bought a bunch of fruit for my dessert, but we never made it to that point.

And it just… didn’t matter.

I had an awe.some. day.

A chai tea from Starbucks courtesy of my sweet hubby.

My hubs took our 5-year-old to preschool for me.

Lunch with a couple of my bestie friends.

Got to pick up my 5-year-old from preschool and come home to do some prep for my family birthday party.

My husband made grilled shrimp and grits and roasted veggies with a crab dip appetizer. (And he did all the work!)

And then I got some neat gifts and cards and birthday spending money (holla!).

A fun little candle blowing out with my precious sons.

And then to top it all off my husband did all. the. dishes.

I’m sorry… just allow me to repeat that.

My husband did all. the. dishes.

And, the perk of Facebook… I had something like 200+ “Happy Birthday” posts.

Seriously… who needs a birthday cake with all of that blessing?

Not this girl. Not this year.

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Day Nineteen: Dreams Don’t Come True

Last night I had a dream that I broke the covenant. I ate birthday cake, ice cream, a Cinnabon sweet roll. And I did the same thing in my dreams that I have always done in “real” life… I forgot I was on a covenant/diet and I accidentally ate a piece of birthday cake at my brother-in-law’s birthday party (which was last night). So, I went ahead and went crazy eating.

But that’s what’s so great about this dream not coming true!
I went to a birthday party last night and I didn’t eat the brats they were having for dinner (although the home made macaroni and cheese and the cucumber and tomato salad were both pretty good substitutes)! I did not eat the Reese’s Ice Cream bars my husband brought home the other night for pizza night even though they are my favorite. And I know that if I had accidentally broken the covenant by eating cake that I would not have gone wild. I would have just “repented” and gotten back to the covenant.

The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God. Psalm 51:17

What a great God. He wants my heart to be renewed. As long as I am on the journey of renewal then he won’t reject me.

But still, I’m SO glad my dream did not come true! Haha!