Day 475: Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Not sure why anyone would click on a post with a title like that! Ha! I don’t know if you can really tell from my posts, but usually I’m a pretty positive person. I like being happy. I like being supportive. I like being content.

But on Saturday… I was a WRECK.

And I mean… a WRECK. Like, to the point where I was looking up things on my phone like “How can you tell the difference between dissatisfaction and depression” kind of a wreck. I texted my friend Christie and told her, “I feel… buried… by my life.” I posted on my bible study for moms’ facebook page: “Some days… I miss myself.”

It was a bad, bad day.

Like, a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Hmmmmm, I bet that would make a great children’s book title.

Nah.

Anyway, I fought the sadness all morning. I looked at scriptures. I tried to be productive and “change” things (like doing the dishes and laundry and making my environment more peaceful). I took a shower. I tried spending a lot of time outside. I tried napping (yeah, the toddler twarted that plan about five minutes after I’d lain down).

I mean… nothing was making me feel better. And it was the third time this week that it happened, so I’ll admit that I was genuinely concerned for myself.

{It didn’t occur to me until this morning that it could be because I have had meat several times this week. I sorta wonder if that was jacking with my hormones because of all the… hormones they put in that stuff. But that is a post for another day.}

And eventually I just folded.

I hate ate some cookie dough. (And in case you were wondering, I accidentally wrote the word “hate” first! Freudian slip, I guess.)

And some mini m&ms.

I know that right now I’m supposed to tell you that it didn’t help. that I didn’t feel better. that I felt worse.

But, honestly, I did feel better. I’m not sure if it has any tie whatsoever to me eating chocolate… in fact, I doubt that it has any tie to that; however, I didn’t feel so despairing. I mean, I felt a little bad that I had gone against the covenant that I made with God, but I wasn’t heinously depressed. I got the boys to bed and crashed (well, until my toddler woke me up the next morning at 4:15am which led to me being awake enough to write Day 474: I’m On A Diet.)

And of course I woke up yesterday morning bright eyed and cheery! Made myself a smoothie. Made oatmeal for my boys. Played outside on the trampoline and with figurines all morning. It was great. Had soup for lunch. Some granola in the afternoon with my kids after we’d played outside again for quite a while on the trampoline and we made our own little waterpark with our fort slide and the little pool (here’s our youtube vid if you want to see it)! I made a vegan dinner and resisted putting feta all over it. We even picked up the house at the end of the day and my kitchen was all pretty and clean… clean enough for me to even post a pic of it on my instagram!

{My yummy smoothie… well, after my son ate half of it!}

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Now, I find myself needing to deal with the situation though.

But at the same time… I’m like, what? what “situation”? You sinned. You’ve admitted that you sinned. You’ve already fixed the problem and followed the covenant again today. You’ve asked for forgiveness.

Well, no. Not really. I haven’t.

And again let me say that the sin that I’m guilty of committing is not that of eating sugar (I don’t think that eating sugar is a sin, just for the record). My sin was my pride. my deliberately ignoring the will and call of God. making myself more important than Him. smarter than Him.

Yep. Now I’m feeling that conscience. that Holy Spirit working around in me.

Ya know, though, that’s okay. That’s what I’m supposed to feel. I’m supposed to “Let the Holy Spirit guide my life. Then I won’t do what the sinful nature craves.” (Galatians 5:16)

I’ll admit that there were multiple times yesterday where I prayed “Holy Spirit… guide me. Guide me right to a good decision!” And it worked! A friend of mine posted a note that she found that her mother had written on years ago (her mom has since gone on to Jesus’s land) and it said: “The Word is spirit and life.” and wow… just seeing that yesterday, well, it made me burst into tears… it was just the words I needed to hear. The Word is one way I get a chance to hear the heart of God. And throughout this past year and a half, that is what has reigned me in. revitalized me. guided me.

The Word.

Holy Spirit, God, Jesus… guide me back to the Word in my life. Make me crave the Word. Cause if I crave The Word then I won’t do what the sinful nature craves because I’ll be craving the things of God.

And those things are pretty dern spiritually yummy!

{My vegan dinner without feta… }

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Comments

  1. says

    I’m pretty sure this is what you said, but I’m guessing your doldrums had more to do with conviction than hormones in the meat. :-) And the candy made you feel better because it has a chemical reaction in our brains that make us feel good. But my guess is just taking the time to write what you did at 4 am was the confession you needed to get you out of the pit. Now stand firm and walk in freedom and grace. Thank God we get a new chance to start fresh every morning. :)

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